{GUEST POST} Winning the Battle

Today's post is written by my dad, who also struggles with anxiety. It's another perspective on what anxiety is like, how it can affect you, and his experiences on the roller-coaster of learning how to cope with it all.

Anxiety. I have it, I hate it, but I am winning the battle.

"You look kind of depressed, Charlie Brown"
'I worry about school a lot...
I also worry about my worrying so much about school...
My anxieties have anxieties" - Charles M. Schulz

I have it. It starts with a flush feeling. I start to feel warm all over. Next comes the elevated heart rate.

The feeling that my heart is out of control and is going explode. Then the panic attack. The certainty that there is something extremely wrong with me, life threateningly wrong with me. I am certain that I am about to die and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I hate it. I hate what it does to me. It makes me feel helpless to control my own thoughts; my own body. Even once I realized it was just a panic attack, I could not get myself to believe that I was going to be okay. I knew it, but I couldn’t overcome it. I hate what it does to my family. The strain it puts on
relationships with the people I love, the people that care for me. They all want to help, they want to
know what to do, but I can’t tell them because I don’t know what will help. I feel like I am letting them all down. I am the husband, the dad. I am supposed to be the one to protect them, to fix their problems. I am not supposed to need their help. I hate that it makes me moody, the highs and the lows. It makes me hard to get to know. I can’t or don’t want to try to explain what anxiety is so I keep people on the outside. It’s easier that way. I hate the feeling that I am the carrier, the one that gave it to my daughter.

I am winning the battle. I have been fortunate enough to find things that work for me. It’s not a magic
pill or a sure-fire cure, it’s a combination of things.

First, it’s the love of my family and friends. People willing to stand by me through thick and thin, to give me their undying love and not give up on me. Without that, I would have given in to it. I would have given up. I truly wonder if I would still be here today.

Then there is acupuncture, it changed my life. I remember driving into the city with my wife and
daughter to go for an acupuncture appointment for an unrelated issue. On the drive in I had an attack;
and I knew I was done, this would be the last time I would make this drive as I was going to be dead
soon. I happened to mention it to my acupuncturist while I was there and she said, “why didn’t you tell me you had anxiety?” She gave me a few needles and before she put the last one in to the fleshy part between my thumb and pointer finger she warned me that I would feel a shock. The needle went in and a spark of electricity shot up my arm, through my neck and to the top of my brain. I knew right there that I was changed. I left the office and met my wife and daughter an I told them something has
changed.

Then there are the meds. It took a while to find the right one. Some made me feel disconnected,
unattached to my own body. Some made me tired all the time, all I wanted to do was sleep. Some had
side effects and addictions that were worse then the anxiety. But I finally found one that I take in a very small dose everyday that doesn’t give me any of those feelings and I feel its working. I often think that I don’t need it anymore, but I haven’t had a full-fledged panic attack in 14 years so why would I risk stopping something that is working.

"Awards:
"really tried even though you're convinced that everyone thinks you didn't"
"dealt with miserable feelings and made it through another day which is awesome and amazing"
"being you, which is really great!"
-Beth Evans

If you have anxiety, you need to keep trying to find what works for you. Don’t give up. If you try
something and it isn’t right for you, try something else. Try a combination. Therapy, meds, acupuncture, exercise, homeopathic, there are may alternatives. This one I can’t stress enough, TALK about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not all in your head. It’s an ILLNESS, a chemical imbalance. You can’t cure it by wishing it away or thinking happy thoughts. You need to get professional help and understanding. When people offer help, accept it. I know its hard, but you must keep trying. You are loved, you are strong and you are worthy. You can learn to control it, you can beat it. There is hope and light on the other side.

I am worthy.

(The following is a poem that I wrote after my counselling appointment last week. I haven't written poetry in years so please bear with me as I try to remember how words work and how to let them flow.)

"Bear with me"

I am worthy.

Even if I fail
Even if I let you down
Even if I let myself down
I am worthy.

Even if I question every move
Even if I question the face I see in the mirror
Or the way I look in my own head
Even if I can't stand it
I am worthy.

Even if I'm not where I want to be
Or where I thought I would be
Even if I'm not who I want to be
Or who I think I should be
Or who you think I should be
I am worthy.

Even if I can't even start to understand that this whole idea
of self compassion
and self care
and self acceptance
Is more than just an idea
I am worthy.

Even if the little voice in my head
tells me a million times a day
that
I.
am.
not.
good.
enough.
I am worthy.

Even if I don't believe it
I am worthy.

I am worthy of love
I am worthy of beauty
I am worthy of respect
I am worthy of strength
I am worthy of compassion
I am worthy of power
I am worthy of laughter
I am worthy of effort
I am worthy of time
I am worthy of energy

I am worthy
of finding all of this
Inside of myself.

I do not need the voices of others
to make me believe that
I am worthy.

Because
eventually
I will believe it myself.

I am worthy.

OK let's be real here, anxiety freaking sucks

Jeez guys, things are tough for me these days.

Anxie-Trees
Weeping Willow, Quaking Aspen,
Worried Sequoia ("is my trunk too big? why's everyone staring at me? is my bark too thick?),
Sweaty Palms, Queasy Sapling (ugh.),
this bonsai may appear outwardly calm, but inside it's screaming."
                                                                                                                        - Gemma Correll

Ever since my panic attack a few weeks ago (see last post for more details), I feel like I've been spiraling - grasping at thin little straws to stay afloat in this awful sea of paranoia and fear. I went camping again, and I was scared of everything the whole damn time. I was scared of sleeping. Scared of walking to the washroom by myself. Scared of just... being there and letting my guard down. In a place that used to be so calm and peaceful and free of anxiety. Every time I think about it now, I just want to cry.

And it's gone beyond just camping. Now that I've had a panic attack again, I'm constantly aware of when the next one might be - even more so than before. I'm back to being scared of the phone, of crowds, of going to the grocery store, of leaving the house alone outside of my normal routine. I've begun to physically shut down, too. I don't want to go for my walks every day, and I have to fight myself so damn hard to do my workouts. It feels like all of the work that I have been doing in the past few months, including writing this blog, has turned on me - all of the things that I've been enjoying have now become sources of anxiety for me and I have no idea how to handle this because I feel like I've been robbed and I feel like I can't have anything for myself anymore because anxiety will take it away.

And then I hear my counsellor's voice in my head.

"But what if that's not the case? What if that's not what it means?"

Yeah but.... what if it is? But, then again, what if she's right... what if it isn't?

I really struggle with thinking like this. I tend to be horribly fatalistic - for me, either everything went according to plan and it was a success, or something went wrong and everything was a complete failure. Middle ground is hard for me to see. It's a very defeatist mindset, and I know this. I live in a world of 'What Ifs,' and they always seem to take one perspective over the other. 

But what if that's exactly it? What if, after all this freaking out about this panic attack, I have to realize that... this is what progress looks & feels like?

I have had a few friends reach out to me after my last post to suggest exactly this. At first, I was quick to shrug the idea off - if this is what progress looked like, then maybe I don't want progress, maybe I want to stay numb and constantly slightly panicky. But I've had some time to think about it, and I think I can start to believe that they're right. Maybe I have to make myself believe that they're right, that my counsellor is right, that my anxiety is wrong - because otherwise I might give up.

"Surprise! It's a panic attack!
'Aw.'
'Hey.' (recent failures)"
 - Beth Evans

Really, whether this is progress or not, I have to keep moving forward. I have to try. It might be harder to get out of bed these days, but I'm still getting up. I'm winning my battles every day, even if the fight is harder. The reality is that, even if I find myself at a point where I haven't had a panic attack in years, I might have one again, and that maybe doesn't have to mean that I failed. All it means is that I had a panic attack. It doesn't have to be a reflection on me, if I don't let it. I'm not sure I know how to do that yet, but I'm going to try. I'm going to always keep trying.

Affirmation: I will find joy again in the things that I love. The things that I love will love me again.

"Note to self: I don't have
to take this day all at
once, but rather, one
step, one breath, one
moment at a time.
I am only one person.
Things will get done
when they get done."
                                                  - Unknown

                                           

Dealing (Or Not) With Setbacks

This post isn't going to have pictures. This post is really hard for me to write. It's going to be horribly honest, and it's not going to be fun.

I feel like I've failed.

Until last weekend, my most recent panic attack was on March 8th of this year. However, on Saturday, June 24th, I had another panic attack. That means that I went 108 days without one. All things considered, that sounds awesome and I should be proud of that, and I kind of am - not even two years ago I was dealing with multiple attacks a week, sometimes even multiple a day - but now I feel horribly stuck. Or worse, I feel like I've taken a huge leap backwards despite my many small steps forwards over the past few months.

I started going to counselling in February. Being able to talk to someone about my concerns and to get helpful tips and strategies for managing my anxiety levels has been a-freaking-mazing for me. Obviously, it has been working. I've been feeling more in control, I've been feeling like I can function and not worry about when I might break down in public, not worry about any second feeling like I am going to die, to rip my hair out, to make a freaking show of myself. It's been an absolute blessing and I advocate going to counselling for everyone because there's something freeing in just being able to be fully honest with someone about what's going on in your head. I feel like I have been making HUGE leaps and bounds forwards in my progress, and I've never been more okay with where I'm at. Along side that, I have not been having panic attacks.

Apparently, it makes it quite a bit easier to accept having anxiety when I'm not experiencing the worst symptom of it.

So there's a few layers to this.

First of all, I had this panic attack while my partner and I were camping. This is a big deal for me because camping is my happy place. Camping is where I literally am not stressed about anything at all because it's quiet and the air is fresh and there's a fire and a breeze and sunshine and board games and marshmallows. No one can be anxious when there's marshmallows around, right? Camping basically embodies everything I want for my life, for my well-being, for my future. I look forward to it with all my heart and soul. And now I'm scared of it. I've never had a panic attack camping before. It was my safe space, my way to walk away from my anxiety and leave it in the city. And now it's found me in the place that I never wanted to see it. Now I am anxious even thinking about it. Now I know it can get me out there, too. And that really sucks (understatement). Honestly, it breaks my heart. I felt like camping was the one thing I had left to myself without that bloody voice in my head trying to ruin everything. And now it's there. And I don't know how to shut it up.

Secondly, I had this panic attack in the middle of the night. I was literally sleeping. I woke up, and I was mid-attack. This is new, too. Never happened like that before. I woke up absolutely terrified, I had no clue what was going on or where I was - I was cold, scared, shaking, hyperventilating, pulling at my skin and hair, and I had no bearings to my surroundings. I came down from it because I literally panic-rocked myself back to sleep as my partner tried to comfort me. That is an experience I would really like to never go through again.

The third and final thing here is that I have NO IDEA what caused it. Usually, I can pick out what my trigger was, even if it's a new trigger that's never set me off before. Usually there's SOMETHING that HAPPENS before I have an attack. This time, there was nothing I can think of - it literally came out of nowhere. Yes, this can be a common thing for people with anxiety - attacks don't always need triggers. Some people don't have triggers at all, it's all random. However, most of the time I can tell what set me off. That lets me prepare if I'm ever in the same situation, it helps me to avoid certain things, to know what might set me off so I can be ready. If there's no trigger, then I have no way to be ready to bring myself down. It opens up a whole new can of worms for me - I can have an attack LITERALLY ANYWHERE for LITERALLY NO REASON. Which puts me on edge ALL THE TIME.

I have no happy ending to this today. I have no good advice. I have no fun/happy/thought-provoking quote to wrap this up.

All I have is anxiety.

And anxiety sucks.

Learning to Love and Hate - Anxiety Triggers

So I wanted to do another post that was more specific to my personal experience with anxiety and anxiety symptoms and triggers. So that's what I'm doing. This is that post.

"Anxiety Girl!
able to jump to the worst conclusion
in a single bound!"

When I was a kid, my dad traveled a lot for work. Especially in the winter, it seemed like he was gone more often than not. No big deal, and I don't hold resentment or anything towards him for that. It is what it is, and it was the way that things were. He was gone often, but it was for a good reason, and lots of the time we actually got to go with him - his work trips became our family vacations. However, when my dad was gone, I could tell that my mom was stressed, and rightfully so - she was doing double duty. I'm very empathetic, so other peoples' emotions and energies rub off on me quite easily; when she was stressed, I was stressed. If she was worried, I was worried. My brother and I both had a habit of getting sick when my dad was travelling - for me, at least, I know a lot of that had to do with worry.

Now that I'm older, I find that my partner travels a decent amount for work already. Same things tend to happen - I get sick with worry. In the day or two leading up to when he leaves, my anxiety starts running ideas through my head. All the ways his trip could go poorly. Car crashes, freak weather, tornadoes, bear attack, crash the quad, fallen tree, lost in the woods, you've seen 127 Hours, you know what could happen....The day he leaves is probably the worst. It's hard to focus on anything, I'm constantly asking him if he's definitely going, what his plans are, what time he's leaving, when he's coming home, his route, everything. I feel as though if I have all the details, I have more control over the outcome. Even if something does go wrong, I know what his plan was and I can have a better grasp on what to do.

"I had to LEARN to SILENCE
the VOICE IN MY HEAD
that was ALWAYS telling me
something was going to go
SERIOUSLY
WRONG..."

It's not just when other people are travelling, either. It's me, too. Travelling is one of my favourite things in the world - and I tend to hate a lot of it. How the hell does that make sense? Getting there is the worst. Planes, cars, boats, all of it just sends my anxiety reeling for reasons to ruin my time. Messed up schedules, delayed flights and trains, missed connections - easy triggers for a panic attack for me. I had a panic attack in front of the Hungarian Parliament Building once because we missed a tour time, even though there were definite workable alternatives. Take off and landing on planes spike my heart rate through the freaking roof. I have to check maps a million times before we leave for anywhere every day because god forbid we get lost in a city that we don't know or don't speak the language. I memorize train station names. I talk the route out with my travel partners again and again. I have tour reservations (tours that I have researched in excruciating detail before we reserved them) in my phone and printed copies in the pack. I've checked the meeting time and meeting point a gazillion times. Our 'free time' is even scheduled - where we're going to go, how we are going to get there. I think you get the point - planning is my way of controlling the situation, however, if something doesn't go according to my plan, it can completely ruin my day by sending me into a panic attack in public. There's nothing like having strangers stare at you while you hyperventilate and cry and rip at your hair and try and soothe yourself back down.

"Hey Brain, is there anything we can do to help with your anxiety" - Heart
"I don't know" - Brain
"What if I contort myself like THIS?" - Stomach
"UM" - Brain
"And I'll move things along REALLY fast or REALLY slow, depending on your preference" - Intestines
"Well I don't..." -Brain
"And I"ll pump as FAST AS MY LITTLE ME CAN PUMP" - Heart
"How does that even..." - Brain
"And just ONE of us with twitch from time to time" - Eyes
"You all look ridiculous"- Brain
"Does that mean it's working?" - Stomach
                                                                                                                      Comic by The Awkward Yeti

So the more time I spend thinking about this, I think it boils down to this - I have anxiety about the specifics and unpredictability of travelling, whether it's for myself or for others. While unpredictability is something that I tend not to handle well on a good day, I think it's amplified when it relates to travel because of the unfamiliar surroundings and unknown potential situations. There are a million ways that things can go wrong (trust me, I've thought through most of them), but I try to deal with it because I understand that it's completely worth it - travelling is something that I have been privileged enough to be able to do, and I try not to let this anxiety limit me, I guess. And I get that, when it comes to other people travelling (especially for work), I have no say in it and am going to have to learn to cope. Otherwise I'm being really selfish in making people cancel plans because I can't handle it.

"I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios
in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason."

The Daily Struggles of Your Average Anxiety-Girl

I want to open this up with some very informative, scientific, real factual data in the form of pie charts.

   

Bingo, I lied, they're not scientific. BUT they're super useful for what I'm about to talk about. We have this stigma about mental health in our society. We - as a society, as a culture, as a people - like to blanket things - by this, I mean that we like to assume that "anxiety" always means one thing, "depression" always means the same thing, and anyone who has either is experiencing the same thing as your second cousin's boyfriend's litter sister who also has anxiety. 

Here's the thing. Mental health issues are wonderfully non-selective. They don't care who you are. They don't care what you've been through. They don't care what your past is. They don't care what you look like. They don't care if you've dealt with it before or not. They don't care if you have easy access to resources. Yes, there are certain experiences that an individual goes through that may foster the development of mental health issues, and YES there are some patterns when it comes to mental health disorders and mental illness, but my point is this: NEVER ASSUME that one person's experience is universal, or that, because of differences, someone's experience is invalid.

What does someone with anxiety/mental health struggles look like?

Like you. Like me. Like your best friend, like your coworker, like your spouse, like the guy you just passed on the street, like your favourite celebrity, like your child. Like literally everyone you've ever met or seen or heard of ever.

How does someone with anxiety/mental health struggles act?

Outgoing, chatty, ecstatic, sad, reserved, giddy, neutral, whatever, literally any combination of moods and characteristics ever. 

"But wait! If EVERYONE EVER might be struggling with anxiety/depression/other mental health disorders, and there's no clear way to tell based on their attitudes or actions, how am I supposed to be able to know?"

So here's the thing.

You can't.

When it comes down to it, blanketing these ideas of mental health can be harmful. They contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health, and they also might serve to stop people from seeking help. If we continue to perpetuate one overarching, all-encompassing idea of what 'anxiety' looks like, or how a 'mentally ill' person acts, then it invalidates the experiences of those who don't fit that model. It leaves people wondering what the hell is wrong with them because they don't fit this 'mold'. It leaves them thinking that they maybe don't need help, because what they're going through doesn't match the 'signs and symptoms' list that our culture has carved out.

Watch your words and your actions, support your friends and family, do your research. Do your part in breaking down this horribly inflexible, harmful, and straight-up-wrong idea of mental health and mental illness. Contribute to making people feel valid. Work to feel valid in your own experiences. Encourage others to do so. Get help if you need it. Don't judge those who already have, or who are struggling to take that step.

"We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to
writing, to art because we desperately do not
want to be alone, We want to know we aren't
going crazy and someone else out there knows
exactly how you're feeling. We want someone
to explain the things we can't." - Unknown

What Anxiety Gives Back

This week's blog post is a response to the guest post written by my mother last week about her experiences having a husband and daughter who both deal with anxiety. If you missed that one, you can link to it on the right-hand-side of this page. 

I've got to admit, I cried and cried and cried upon reading my mom's post. And then, when I read it again, I cried and cried and cried some more. It's really hard to hear how much my anxiety really affects the people close to me. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware of the fact that it's not easy on them, but sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in myself and my own struggles that I become ignorant of the people that I love.

Anxiety Portrait 1 - Kathrin Honesta

My mom is my hero. I know that most people say that about their moms, and they're totally right to - mothers, in all the forms that they come, are amazing. I genuinely mean that when I speak about my mother. The amount of strength and determination that she has is phenomenal, and she damn near never falters; yet she's always an honest, compassionate, loving, take-no-crap-but-still-be-gentle friend to anyone that needs her (including me). I watched her work so hard to raise my brother and me through our childhoods while my dad was learning how to cope with his anxiety, and couldn't always help as much as he wanted to. I felt her heart ache when I started to struggle at university, but she still stayed encouraging, supportive, and determined for me - which was something that I couldn't be for myself at the time. And, when I started to open up more about the details of my anxiety, I saw her jump up to take action - helping me to find a counsellor, a doctor that I don't hate, encouraging me to go and be social and do the things that I can't always do - even though I knew it was hard on her, too. I fought back - and I fought hard. I still do, it's so hard for me to admit that I need help, so I argue, because I like to think that I'm the only one that knows what is best for me. I know she cried a lot. I know I cried a lot, too.

Being a family member of one person struggling with mental illness is hard. Being a wife and being a mother to people with anxiety must be exhausting. I can't even imagine the weight that anxiety has on those who have a choice - the choice to fight against it for the ones that you love, or to walk away because it's not your illness, it's not your brain that makes the monsters. To choose to have the daily battles and the life-long fight against mental illness forced upon you just by virtue of loving people is, in my mind, an incredible tell of someone's character; it takes a warrior to deal with it, to fight someone else's fight; to pick up the sword when your partner can't carry it anymore. To be able to even temporarily fight your child's battles when they have no strength left is not an easy feat. It takes a superhero. My mom is Wonder Woman.

Artist Unknown

The point of what I'm trying to get at is this: life doesn't stop when anxiety steps in. For me, for my dad, my mom, my partner, life keeps moving forward even though anxiety tries to force it to stand still, or even move backwards. There's not always the opportunity to just take the time you need to figure out how to cope, how to deal, what methods work, what meds work - life doesn't always (or ever) let you have unlimited time to heal. It keeps going, and that can be damn near impossible sometimes. For me, I can usually tell when the people I love are struggling, but it's not always within my ability to help - I'm so caught up trying to keep myself together that I genuinely feel like I have nothing to give to anyone else - so my struggles add to the struggles of others. My mom has never stopped trying. She fights for my dad, she fights for me - and she fights for herself. She struggles, yeah, but she never quits. She never stops being exactly what I need her to be (even if that means that we fight each other sometimes).

My mom is my hero. I hope that we can continue to grow and learn together so that we can learn how to better help each other. Anxiety isn't an easy thing to deal with, but it sure as hell helps when you know you have Wonder Woman at your back.

"For the highs and the lows,
and the moments between,
mountains and valleys,
and rivers and streams,
for where you are now
and where you will go,
for "I've always known"
and "I told you so,"
for "nothing is happening,"
and "all has gone wrong,"
it is here in this journey
you will learn to be strong
you will get where you're going,
landing where you belong."
                                                                         - Morgan Harper Nichols

What Anxiety Takes Away ~GUEST POST ~

~ This week's blog post is another guest post, this time written by my wonderful mother. Next week's post will be a response to this one, but for right now I will let you read her words. ~

I must admit, the concept of anxiety is a completely foreign one to me.  I mean I get anxious sometimes; doing new things, going to new places, it can be scary sure but I don’t think I am going to die. 

"When Peter Parker tingles in the face of danger, it's called his 'spidey-sense.'
But when I do it, it's called 'generalized anxiety disorder.'" - Brian Gordon

I have experienced some depression in my lifetime.  There have been some very dark times and the doctor even put me on meds at one point. I was a stay at home mom with 2 little kids, we were in a new city, my husband worked a lot and there was no family close by for support.  I needed a little help.  When I told my parents, I had been diagnosed with depression and was on meds their response was that I needed to find a way to pull myself out of it.  Lucky for me that happened in a fairly short time frame.  I was off the meds within 6 months.  It was tough but I got through it. So, the idea of mental illness was not a foreign one.

The year my husband turned 40, he was diagnosed with anxiety.  He eventually was put on some very strong meds.  The year was 2001.  The Twin Towers had just fallen, my uncle had just passed away and we attended that and 2 other funerals in a month, I just started a part time job after years of being a stay at home mom, we had agreed to have a hockey billet stay in our home and, shortly there after, my mother-in-law had an accident with a brain injury.  My life had been turned upside down.  Trying to juggle 2 kids and an extra person in the house and a new job was enough but on top of it the meds made it so my husband would come home and go right to sleep.  So, I was single parenting on top of everything else.  Needless to say, I resented the whole “anxiety” thing.  I needed him to be strong for us and to be the husband I was used to him being, to “just pull yourself out of it”.  It was a difficult year and a half until he found some tools that helped him.  It continues to be a struggle for both of us.

When my daughter went away to university I wasn’t sad because I knew I had raised a strong, independent, talented woman who was going to take the world by storm.  I still believe she is all those things.

However, she started to struggle right away.  I pushed her to keep going.  “You can do this” I would say.  “Maybe you should try to talk to someone” I would say.  She made it through her 4-year program but when it came to light that she too suffered from anxiety and panic attacks I didn’t want to believe it.  No, no, no, how could this happen to my strong, independent daughter? She lived far enough away that I didn’t have to believe it.  Nothing ever happened when I was there visiting or when she came home.  Maybe it wasn’t that bad? I never saw it. It was easy for me to just put it in a dark corner and not deal with it. 

"Who people think can have anxiety: shy introverts.
Who can actually have anxiety: introverts, extroverts, shy people, social people, ANYONE, OK? ANYONE CAN."

I had grown to hate “anxiety”. My husband and now my daughter.  Who and what else is this damned disease going to take from me?

Samantha wrote a piece earlier this year for Bell Let’s Talk Day and posted it to Facebook.  It was a serious wake up call for me.  I knew she had anxiety and panic attacks, but what I didn’t know was the details of how that manifests for her.  She shared these details in this post.  I understand why she did not share them with me, she didn’t want to disappoint me.  I didn’t feel bad about that.  It was that I felt completely at a loss to help her.  From that post, I came to realize that I needed to take it out of the dark corner and deal with it, for her and my husband and for me.  I needed to be supporting her in this fight.

I approached a friend who worked in mental health to get some guidance.  She told me (twice) there was nothing I could do to help her except to support her.  That is not what you want to hear as a mother.  You want to be able to fix your kids’ hurts and this disease doesn’t have a fix.  That was tough for me.

I learned the hard way.  Depression, anxiety and panic attacks should not be relegated to the dark corner.  I had to let go of my hate and resentment. It is still hard for me.  I have shed a lot of tears as I have learned about what my daughter goes through.  I am sorry I did not support my husband more when he was suffering.  Unfortunately, I had to do what I needed to do to survive at the time and that was wish it away.  It doesn’t go away even if you ignore it. 

"sometimes it feels like everything is going to pieces
sometimes I feel like I'm going to pieces
even though I feel bad, I want to make other people feel better
everyone deserves the change to feel good." - Beth Evans

I am fortunate that both my husband and my daughter have found ways/tools to help them cope.  I sometimes must remind them to go back to those things and that is about all I can do; walk beside them, support them, listen when they want to talk.

It has taken me years to get here. I hope that anyone readings this blog that may find themselves in a similar situation is able to learn that lesson faster than I did.

"Courage does not always
roar, sometimes courage is the
quiet voice at the end of the
day saying,
'I will try again tomorrow.'"
                                                                                            - Mary Anne Radmacher

Traffic Jams and Backup Plans

It's time to talk triggers again.

I have developed so many different coping mechanisms for so many different triggers that I face on a daily basis. I've even found an effective one to deal with my dumb fear of ringing phones (my work phone has a semi-mute option that essentially just quietly beeps at me instead of screaming at the very fibers of my soul). However, I still struggle to find an effective way to handle the immense amounts of stress and anxiety that I feel every time I get behind the wheel of a car in this city.

Who knows where it comes from. Doesn't really matter, since it's a thing - ever since I moved to a big city, I have become increasingly more anxious about driving or being driven around by other people. Highway driving is different - there's so much more space. There's just so many people and so many cars in the city, you can't get away from them. They're everywhere.

When I was in driver's ed, my instructor uttered one phrase that has stuck with me in probably a much more negative way than he ever intended it to: "Drive like everyone else on the road is trying to die." 

Yeah.

So I think I was supposed to interpret that as "drive with caution and assume that the people around you will try things that aren't so smart, and that could put you and them at risk." Instead, I took it as "you have the potential to kill everyone around you right now, and they have the ability to do the same to you. At any and all times as you are in a motor vehicle, so many horrible things could happen. You are driving a weapon. You are surrounded by weapons. That person could have just driven off this bridge. This person could cut you off right now and throw you in to oncoming traffic. That semi truck might flip any second now. Think of the damage, think of their families,think of your family, think of the mess, think think think THINK about the fact that so many horrible things might happen right now." So that's a pretty heavy set of thoughts to have on your mind every time that you're driving, no?

"I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios
in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason."

It probably doesn't help that I've been witness to a handful of car accidents since I moved here. The sound that cars make when they crunch together.... I don't think I will ever get it out of my head. Every time I hear it, it gets louder and louder.

But this is all beside the point here: I still don't know how to cope with this manifestation of my anxiety. I'm essentially slowly becoming numb to it, and that scares me. I can drive familiar routes no problem (usually), as long as the weather is fine and I know all of my backup plans in case of an accident or heavy traffic. Driving to and from work is usually okay. Driving anywhere that I've been multiple times is mostly okay, as long as I do everything I need to do in advance (check maps, check alternative routes, check for accidents, repeat). Driving in new places to new places from new places freaks me the hell out. I can't really seem to figure it out. I just get progressively more anxious until I'm on a familiar road again. I have pulled off my route to find a parking lot in which I can have a panic attack. More than once. Yesterday, actually.

However, I still drive all the time, and I'm good. I'm good as long as I'm driving. When something happens on the road, I'm almost creepily calm. I see an accident, and I feel nothing while I'm still driving - it only hits me once I've parked. It's robotic. If I feel myself coming close to having a panic attack, I am able to very rationally find a safe space that is out of the way before anything happens. I take the time to make sure that others are okay before I see if I'm okay. I am anxious, yet I am level-headed. My body knows how to drive - my brain just gets weird. It seems as though my practicality takes over when I'm operating a vehicle. I guess I can credit that to my parents - they taught me well. Maybe ironically, I consider myself to be a very competent driver.

I just need to get away from all the cars.

I need more space.

"Listen to me, your body is not
a temple. Temples can be destroyed
and desecrated. Your body is
a forest - thick canopies of maple
trees and sweet scented wildflowers
sprouting in the underwood.
You will grow back, over and over,
no matter how badly you are
devastated."
                                                        - Beau Taplin

Would The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up

(Last week, Bell Let's Talk shared my blog on their twitter page! So shout out to all the people who are reading now because of that. It's pretty neat that more people are seeing this now. Cheers, enjoy)

One of the things I struggle with the most is that I don't know if I can distinguish between me and my anxiety. By this, I mean that I am unsure of which of my personality characteristics are mine and mine alone, and which have only developed because of my anxiety. Further, which parts of me maybe played a role in the development of my anxiety. Essentially, I don't really know who I am or why I am who I am - in fact, I've not got a clue.

"Me on the outside: *calm*
Me on the inside: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHAAAHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHAA" - Beth Evans

Ok, let me try and explain.

I'm a very binary thinker. To me, all things need to fit in to a category. They are either part of Category A, or Category B, etc. Very similar to my proficiency for over-planning things, I have a knack for over-organization. It's a very black and white way to look at the world - I'm not very good at seeing the shades of grey. Within this, and considering the fact that I spend so much time inside of my own head, I try and classify the different parts of me into arbitrary binary categories: ME and THE ANXIETY. 

This leads me down little tirades of trying to determine which parts of me are anxiety-produced and which are genuine traits that I have had my whole life. Do I only plan things because of my anxiety, or is that just a me thing? Is my creativity rooted in the anxiety or is that something that I am able to claim as my own? Do I have a tendency to worry, or is that just my anxiety? Did I worry this much before I got anxiety? When is 'before'? Was there a before?

Artist Unknown

There's so many aspects to this that I'm actually struggling to figure out how to write about it.

On one hand (this person is going to have many hands, so be prepared), I am trying to control the symptoms of my anxiety, but I don't know what all they are and how they affect me all the time and how controlling them will change who I am and that scares me. It's also very hard to control something that you don't understand.

On another hand, I have this weird sense of self-confidence lately and I'm proud of the effort that I put in to myself, and I don't know if working to accept my anxiety will change that, nor do I know if controlling my anxiety more will slowly eliminate parts of me that I have grown quite fond of.

On a third hand, I genuinely have anxiety about whether or not I have anxiety - essentially I convince myself that I'm just making it all up and everyone else has the same issues as me and that I'm 'normal' and so I don't really have any personality traits that are shaped by anxiety because I'm making it up. Maybe everyone is this way and trying to 'fix' it all is just futile and a waste of time because this is the best that it gets. This thought makes me especially sad on my worst days.

On a fourth hand that is closely related to the third hand, I don't know if I know what 'normal' is, or if I'll like it, so the idea of taking certain aspects of myself away, or trying to change and reshape them is a bit nerve-wracking. What if the only neat parts of me are a side effect of this shitty little voice in my head and I'll just be completely vanilla otherwise? Is that bad? Is it good?

What it really all comes down to is this: I am who I am, and part of that is that I have anxiety. I will always have anxiety, but I will also get better at controlling the symptoms and not letting them control me. There is no way to distinguish between me and the anxiety because we are one and the same. Really, I guess I know who I am. I just struggle with who I am. Part of accepting anxiety is accepting myself. Accepting that this is a part of me, and I can choose to grow the parts that I like and work at accepting the parts that I can't.

"I am good for a while
I'll talk more, laugh more
Sleep and eat normally
But then something happens
Like a switch turns off somewhere
And all I am left with is the darkness of my mind
But each time it seems like I sink
Deeper and deeper
And I am scared...
Terrified that one day I won't make it back up
I feel like I am gasping for air
Screaming for help
But everyone just looks at me
With confused faces
Wondering what I am struggling over
When they're all doing just fine
And it makes me feel crazy

What the hell is wrong with me?"
                                              -m.h

Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires!

So. You read my blog, you're opening up to the idea of mental illness and how it affects people. Great! That's an awesome first step. But now you're wondering "What else can I do to help?" 

"How can I help?"

This is an issue that I think about a lot. Words are powerful, they're a tool that can be used to help, to harm, to heal. Every time we speak or write, we have power. We have a voice. You want to know how you can use your voice to help?

Here are some tips from me, a person with anxiety, about how you might consider helping and accepting your friends and family members that struggle with anxiety or other mental illnesses and disorders:

1. Never discredit their feelings.

Helpful Advice
"I get that you have food poisoning and all, but you at least have to make an effort."
"You just need to change your frame of mind. You'll feel better."
"Have you tried... you know... not having the flu?"
"I don't think it's healthy that you have to take medication every day just to feel normal.
Don't you worry that it's changing you from who you really are?"
"It's like you're not even trying."
"Well, lying in bed obviously isn't helping you. You need to try something new."

"It's all in your head" can be one of the most harmful things you can say. Why? Because it's a mental illness. Yes, obviously it's in my head, thanks, but you know what? It's still 1000000% real, and telling me that it's all in my head just makes me question the validity of my existence, feelings, emotions, etc.

Mental illnesses, however, are not limited to the effects that they have on the mind. We, as a society, are starting to realize this - it has become common knowledge that ulcers can be caused by stress, etc. - but it's so much more than that. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes all I can do is sleep. My neck aches. I break out. PMS is worsened. Your body is extremely connected to your mind (obviously) and if your brain is sick, your body will likely show signs. The extent of this is unknown, but it's been observed and researched, and so the "it's all in your head argument" is bull.

What I feel is real. Whether I'm able to 'cover it up' or not doesn't change the effect that it has on me. Every day, any little thing could set me off, and it's unpredictable even though there are patterns. "Everyone gets anxious sometimes!" doesn't help either. YES I know that everyone gets anxious sometimes - but I have anxiety and there is a difference. Understanding this difference is a huge step towards ending the stigma associated with mental illness. Just because sometimes you feel anxious about something but then you managed to get over it does not mean that it is that easy for everyone. The first part of being a good support for someone struggling with mental illness, in my opinion, would be to never make light of their experiences.

2. Don't tell them to change how they think.

"you need to be positive. you need to choose to be happy. you need to try harder to stop being sad. you need to eat well, do yoga, sleep more, and try new things. you need to try harder."
"YOU need to stop saying stuff like that because recovery is a process." - Beth Evans

I have about 20 pictures like this saved to my phone because I relate so heavily every time I come across them, so I picked my favorite four for you. I have been told, I have read, I have heard other people say all kinds of crap like this. Another example is that picture that goes around every now and again of a forest with the caption "this is an antidepressant" and actual anti-depressant meds with the caption "this is bullshit." 

*MENTAL ILLNESS TREATMENT IDEAS*******
Lots of water!! Bubble Bath! MANICURE!!! Take day off!"
"Wow cool I'm cured." - Hannah Hillam

This is really similar to my last point, but I felt that it was different enough to warrant it's own point. The issue with this, as good as your intentions might be when you're telling a friend or loved one with mental illness to "try harder to be happy" or to "change their outlook," is that we are trying. Some of us have been trying for years. Some of us are new to the whole trying thing, but it's been a struggle so far anyways. Telling someone with anxiety or other mental illnesses to just 'try harder' can be so defeating - trust me, I am so aware of all the effort I have put in to my recovery and I'm fully aware of everything that hasn't worked and how many times I have 'failed'. I am aware that my thought processes are different. And more than anything, I really wish it was as easy as flipping a switch. Saying this kind of thing can be super harmful to a person's well-being. Hearing such comments have sent me in to a panic attack in the past. While these tips may work for people who experience anxious moments, or temporary low (depressed) states, I can guarantee that they're not helpful for people who have mental disorders.

"I'm sad"
"well don't be sad then! happiness is a choice!"
"WOWEE you were right! look at me I'M NOT SAD ANYMORE AND I NEVER WILL BE EVER AGAIN."
*glares* - Beth Evans

The other side of this point is that it is okay to not be okay. We have this idea that we always need to be content and 'okay' in order to have a happy life. This can actually cause more anxiety for people like me. It's okay to need meds. It's okay to need counselling. It's okay to cry. It's okay to have a mental illness. Telling people to just work more at being happy can take away self-worth and validation from a person who desperately needs it.

"I haven't been feeling so good lately - "
"EAT KALE. DO YOGA. RUN 3 MILES EVERY MORNING"
"Please go away you are scaring me-"
"PUNCH THE SUN"
 - Sarah Anderson

3. Believe what they say and what they need.

I mentioned this in my last post. When someone is telling you that they're dealing with mental health issues and they need you to do something for them, believe them. Listen to what they say they need. Help them if you can, or be ready to find someone that is willing to help. Don't act based on that viral image you saw a few days ago that tells you to hug someone and hum to them if they're having a panic attack (just don't ever assume that it's okay to touch someone unless they consent to it). Every person is different, every mental illness is different, everyone's experiences are different, and everyone has different techniques that work. Also remember that just because one technique worked to help last time, it might not work again this time. Don't assume that your experiences with mental health and mental illness are universal. Listen to them. Hear what they say. Read between the lines if you have to, but do this with discretion.

4. Be there for them. Be patient.

"so do you wanna go with us?"
"sure! that sounds gr-"
(Anxiety) "HEY! we are probably just going to
change our mind at the last
second and then get mad about
changing our mind so
put us down as a 'maybe'." - Beth Evans

My anxiety is exhausting. My mind is running a thousand different thoughts at any given second, and most of them are self-deprecating. Some of them are really weird, scary, stressful, annoying, and the like. My anxiety is exhausting for the people around me, too, I'm sure. It doesn't always let me do the things that I want to do with the people I care about. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to constantly have someone cancel plans with you last minute - and yet I'm guilty of doing it. But I get it, I would stop inviting me places too.

But here's my point: I appreciate those who are patient with me more than you could ever know. People who say "let me know if you need anything" and mean it. That would be there for you at the drop of a hat, even if they aren't sure what to do. Who invite me a thousand times even though I only show up a fraction of the time. Who never seem to get annoyed at me for the way that I am.

If you want to help, try so hard to be that person. No, you're right, it's not for everyone, and sometimes mental illness comes between relationships because of this. It's hard to be that patient. It's hard to be that understanding. But the effort is phenomenally appreciated by me, at least.

5. Watch your words.

Mental disorders are not adjectives.
"My mom yelled at me yesterday! She's so bipolar!"
"You almost gave me a panic attack!"
"You look so anorexic!"
"My OCD is coming out again!"
"I stayed up until 1 am, my insomnia is SO BAD!"
"I swear I'm like retarded!"
"Oh yeah, yesterday I was feeling really depressed."
"Quit being psycho!"

This brings me back to one of my original points - language is powerful. And it can be so harmful when used carelessly. Again, phrases like this can invalidate the experiences of people who actually do deal with mental health issues. Why is that a problem? See #1.

In fact, I heard two examples of talk like this today, even. "I almost had a panic attack!" and "bipolar, like, she was certified crazy." You know what I hear when people say stuff like this? "I genuinely don't value individuals with mental health issues. They are less to me than other people that I interact with. I am insensitive towards the struggles of the people around me." And, as someone with a mental health issue, I find this highly offensive. Yes, I understand that your intentions were maybe not to harm. But you don't get to decide that your words don't hurt someone. (I heard a quote once, unfortunately I don't remember where, that essentially said 'it's okay to be ignorant right up until you learn that you're ignorant. After that, you have to change, because you're not ignorant anymore, you're just an asshole.') 

Words have power. Language is a tool. Tools can be used as weapons. Choose your words carefully, as it shows that you care about those around you. And remember:

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." - Thumper

The Broken Third Wheel

This is a response to last week's post, which was written by my partner of 4 and a half years on what it's like to date me, a person with anxiety. Feel free to go back and check it out if you want the perspective from that side, too.

So, you meet your person. They're everything you have ever wanted in a partner and then some. You give them your time, your effort, your love. You move in together, travel the world, get a cat, grow up and grow closer. You learn their quirks, their habits, their favorite kind of cheese. You learn about their hobbies, their aspirations, their fears, their dreams. You're head over heels, you're fully invested, you've done the whole commitment thing. You're sure about how you feel. But for some reason you can never fully accept that they feel the same way. 

Anxiety gets in the way of all aspects of my life. It's not selective, it doesn't care how much joy it tries to steal from me, it doesn't take requests or pleads to just back the hell off for a bit. So yes, anxiety gets in the way of my relationship. Often. And at a few different levels.

Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. "Hey."
It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. "you look ridiculous in that."
It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. "why are you even at this party?"
The only one you can hear. "nobody wants you here."
It keeps you from doing the things you want to. "Are you going out?" 'Yeah.' "Why? You're so embarrassing."
And points out all of your faults. "why do you even try?"
The worst part is knowing that the voice is probably lying, "Remember that stupid thing you did?"
but you can't stop listening. "So does everybody else."

First of all, my anxiety doesn't like to let me do lots of fun things. We will plan to go on super fun dates, and I'll be so excited to go, and then as the date draws near, I'll back out. Just the other day, we were going to go indoor mini golfing. Somewhere we had never been before. I checked it out on google maps, knew how to get there, decided to read some reviews. "Can be crowded." "Lots of young kids." "Fun for families." "Black light course has great designs." "Long wait times at peak hours." I read: lots of people, lots of kids, parents, no one your age, you might not even get in, you'll have to have a backup plan, the lights might give you a headache, you probably won't even have fun, your partner definitely won't have fun, you're going to get outplayed but a bunch of kids, blah blah blah. I backed out. We went for dinner instead. The number of times that this has happened to me is ridiculous. And every time it happens, I feel miserable because I let my partner down again, I backed out on another idea that's different from what we always do. Now our relationship is boring and it's my fault and he'd be happier if he was with someone more interesting and he probably knows that, too. My partner reassures me all the time that that's not the case.

Which brings me to my next point. I've mentioned before that I struggle to accept that anyone would actually want to spend any time with me, and that my anxiety likes to tell me that everyone in my life is just lying to me about liking me. This is true for people that say they love me as well. My anxiety likes to try and convince me that my partner is just too damn nice to break up with me, and he's only with me because of that, or because of the cat, or the condo, or because he knows that a breakup would break me or some crap.  Now see, I KNOW that this isn't the case. There's a difference between what I KNOW and what I seem to be able to believe. The little anxiety voice just plants a seed of doubt in my mind and takes immense pleasure in watching it grow. Some days I think the seed has withered and died, and I feel firm and confident in where I stand with my partner, but other days the damn thing spreads like a weed and takes over my mind and all I can do is convince myself that it's over. Panic attacks about cancelling plans. Anxiety rushes about going out for dinner to a place that we've been a dozen times before. All I want to do is stay home in my PJs and watch Supernatural and force my kitty to snuggle with me.

                                                                                                          Artist unknown

The other side of this, of course, is that I trust my partner around me when I am having an anxiety/panic attack, which is huge. He knows what to do, he knows what works to help me. He does not blame me. He does not underestimate the severity. He does not question the reasons behind the attack. He simply does what I need him to do. This is a skill that takes practice and, to anyone that is in a relationship or is close to someone that deals with panic attacks, I tell you this: ask the person what they need. Be prepared. Know in advance what the person's symptoms are, what their ticks are, what they're prone to do during an attack. Also know that their attacks might not follow the past pattern. Be ready to help or, if you are not comfortable doing so, be ready to find someone that is. Listen to the person and take them seriously. Every person is different, every case of anxiety is different, every panic attack is different.

I can't even imagine what this is all like for my partner. Reading his post last week was hard for me, but reassuring too. It really showed me just how understanding and patient he really is. I am grateful to have found someone that tries so hard to understand how my anxiety affects me and how, in turn, it affects him too. Yeah, it's frustrating some times, and overwhelming, and sometimes those emotions come through (for both of us), but that's normal. That's my normal. Our normal.

"How did my greatest fears go from
heights, bugs and killers in wardrobes

to footsteps outside my bedroom door,
unexpected calls,
talking to people,
buying things in stores,
failing school,
phones and messages,
eating in front of people,
laughter behind my back
...
How did my greatest fear become
my own mind?"
-k.s.b.