I have developed so many different coping mechanisms for so many different triggers that I face on a daily basis. I've even found an effective one to deal with my dumb fear of ringing phones (my work phone has a semi-mute option that essentially just quietly beeps at me instead of screaming at the very fibers of my soul). However, I still struggle to find an effective way to handle the immense amounts of stress and anxiety that I feel every time I get behind the wheel of a car in this city.
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When I was in driver's ed, my instructor uttered one phrase that has stuck with me in probably a much more negative way than he ever intended it to: "Drive like everyone else on the road is trying to die."
Yeah.
So I think I was supposed to interpret that as "drive with caution and assume that the people around you will try things that aren't so smart, and that could put you and them at risk." Instead, I took it as "you have the potential to kill everyone around you right now, and they have the ability to do the same to you. At any and all times as you are in a motor vehicle, so many horrible things could happen. You are driving a weapon. You are surrounded by weapons. That person could have just driven off this bridge. This person could cut you off right now and throw you in to oncoming traffic. That semi truck might flip any second now. Think of the damage, think of their families,think of your family, think of the mess, think think think THINK about the fact that so many horrible things might happen right now." So that's a pretty heavy set of thoughts to have on your mind every time that you're driving, no?
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| "I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason." |
But this is all beside the point here: I still don't know how to cope with this manifestation of my anxiety. I'm essentially slowly becoming numb to it, and that scares me. I can drive familiar routes no problem (usually), as long as the weather is fine and I know all of my backup plans in case of an accident or heavy traffic. Driving to and from work is usually okay. Driving anywhere that I've been multiple times is mostly okay, as long as I do everything I need to do in advance (check maps, check alternative routes, check for accidents, repeat). Driving in new places to new places from new places freaks me the hell out. I can't really seem to figure it out. I just get progressively more anxious until I'm on a familiar road again. I have pulled off my route to find a parking lot in which I can have a panic attack. More than once. Yesterday, actually.
However, I still drive all the time, and I'm good. I'm good as long as I'm driving. When something happens on the road, I'm almost creepily calm. I see an accident, and I feel nothing while I'm still driving - it only hits me once I've parked. It's robotic. If I feel myself coming close to having a panic attack, I am able to very rationally find a safe space that is out of the way before anything happens. I take the time to make sure that others are okay before I see if I'm okay. I am anxious, yet I am level-headed. My body knows how to drive - my brain just gets weird. It seems as though my practicality takes over when I'm operating a vehicle. I guess I can credit that to my parents - they taught me well. Maybe ironically, I consider myself to be a very competent driver.
I just need to get away from all the cars.
I need more space.
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| "Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest - thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated." - Beau Taplin |
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