OK let's be real here, anxiety freaking sucks

Jeez guys, things are tough for me these days.

Anxie-Trees
Weeping Willow, Quaking Aspen,
Worried Sequoia ("is my trunk too big? why's everyone staring at me? is my bark too thick?),
Sweaty Palms, Queasy Sapling (ugh.),
this bonsai may appear outwardly calm, but inside it's screaming."
                                                                                                                        - Gemma Correll

Ever since my panic attack a few weeks ago (see last post for more details), I feel like I've been spiraling - grasping at thin little straws to stay afloat in this awful sea of paranoia and fear. I went camping again, and I was scared of everything the whole damn time. I was scared of sleeping. Scared of walking to the washroom by myself. Scared of just... being there and letting my guard down. In a place that used to be so calm and peaceful and free of anxiety. Every time I think about it now, I just want to cry.

And it's gone beyond just camping. Now that I've had a panic attack again, I'm constantly aware of when the next one might be - even more so than before. I'm back to being scared of the phone, of crowds, of going to the grocery store, of leaving the house alone outside of my normal routine. I've begun to physically shut down, too. I don't want to go for my walks every day, and I have to fight myself so damn hard to do my workouts. It feels like all of the work that I have been doing in the past few months, including writing this blog, has turned on me - all of the things that I've been enjoying have now become sources of anxiety for me and I have no idea how to handle this because I feel like I've been robbed and I feel like I can't have anything for myself anymore because anxiety will take it away.

And then I hear my counsellor's voice in my head.

"But what if that's not the case? What if that's not what it means?"

Yeah but.... what if it is? But, then again, what if she's right... what if it isn't?

I really struggle with thinking like this. I tend to be horribly fatalistic - for me, either everything went according to plan and it was a success, or something went wrong and everything was a complete failure. Middle ground is hard for me to see. It's a very defeatist mindset, and I know this. I live in a world of 'What Ifs,' and they always seem to take one perspective over the other. 

But what if that's exactly it? What if, after all this freaking out about this panic attack, I have to realize that... this is what progress looks & feels like?

I have had a few friends reach out to me after my last post to suggest exactly this. At first, I was quick to shrug the idea off - if this is what progress looked like, then maybe I don't want progress, maybe I want to stay numb and constantly slightly panicky. But I've had some time to think about it, and I think I can start to believe that they're right. Maybe I have to make myself believe that they're right, that my counsellor is right, that my anxiety is wrong - because otherwise I might give up.

"Surprise! It's a panic attack!
'Aw.'
'Hey.' (recent failures)"
 - Beth Evans

Really, whether this is progress or not, I have to keep moving forward. I have to try. It might be harder to get out of bed these days, but I'm still getting up. I'm winning my battles every day, even if the fight is harder. The reality is that, even if I find myself at a point where I haven't had a panic attack in years, I might have one again, and that maybe doesn't have to mean that I failed. All it means is that I had a panic attack. It doesn't have to be a reflection on me, if I don't let it. I'm not sure I know how to do that yet, but I'm going to try. I'm going to always keep trying.

Affirmation: I will find joy again in the things that I love. The things that I love will love me again.

"Note to self: I don't have
to take this day all at
once, but rather, one
step, one breath, one
moment at a time.
I am only one person.
Things will get done
when they get done."
                                                  - Unknown