So, you meet your person. They're everything you have ever wanted in a partner and then some. You give them your time, your effort, your love. You move in together, travel the world, get a cat, grow up and grow closer. You learn their quirks, their habits, their favorite kind of cheese. You learn about their hobbies, their aspirations, their fears, their dreams. You're head over heels, you're fully invested, you've done the whole commitment thing. You're sure about how you feel. But for some reason you can never fully accept that they feel the same way.
Anxiety gets in the way of all aspects of my life. It's not selective, it doesn't care how much joy it tries to steal from me, it doesn't take requests or pleads to just back the hell off for a bit. So yes, anxiety gets in the way of my relationship. Often. And at a few different levels.
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| Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. "Hey." It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. "you look ridiculous in that." It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. "why are you even at this party?" The only one you can hear. "nobody wants you here." It keeps you from doing the things you want to. "Are you going out?" 'Yeah.' "Why? You're so embarrassing." And points out all of your faults. "why do you even try?" The worst part is knowing that the voice is probably lying, "Remember that stupid thing you did?" but you can't stop listening. "So does everybody else." |
First of all, my anxiety doesn't like to let me do lots of fun things. We will plan to go on super fun dates, and I'll be so excited to go, and then as the date draws near, I'll back out. Just the other day, we were going to go indoor mini golfing. Somewhere we had never been before. I checked it out on google maps, knew how to get there, decided to read some reviews. "Can be crowded." "Lots of young kids." "Fun for families." "Black light course has great designs." "Long wait times at peak hours." I read: lots of people, lots of kids, parents, no one your age, you might not even get in, you'll have to have a backup plan, the lights might give you a headache, you probably won't even have fun, your partner definitely won't have fun, you're going to get outplayed but a bunch of kids, blah blah blah. I backed out. We went for dinner instead. The number of times that this has happened to me is ridiculous. And every time it happens, I feel miserable because I let my partner down again, I backed out on another idea that's different from what we always do. Now our relationship is boring and it's my fault and he'd be happier if he was with someone more interesting and he probably knows that, too. My partner reassures me all the time that that's not the case.
Which brings me to my next point. I've mentioned before that I struggle to accept that anyone would actually want to spend any time with me, and that my anxiety likes to tell me that everyone in my life is just lying to me about liking me. This is true for people that say they love me as well. My anxiety likes to try and convince me that my partner is just too damn nice to break up with me, and he's only with me because of that, or because of the cat, or the condo, or because he knows that a breakup would break me or some crap. Now see, I KNOW that this isn't the case. There's a difference between what I KNOW and what I seem to be able to believe. The little anxiety voice just plants a seed of doubt in my mind and takes immense pleasure in watching it grow. Some days I think the seed has withered and died, and I feel firm and confident in where I stand with my partner, but other days the damn thing spreads like a weed and takes over my mind and all I can do is convince myself that it's over. Panic attacks about cancelling plans. Anxiety rushes about going out for dinner to a place that we've been a dozen times before. All I want to do is stay home in my PJs and watch Supernatural and force my kitty to snuggle with me.
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| Artist unknown |
The other side of this, of course, is that I trust my partner around me when I am having an anxiety/panic attack, which is huge. He knows what to do, he knows what works to help me. He does not blame me. He does not underestimate the severity. He does not question the reasons behind the attack. He simply does what I need him to do. This is a skill that takes practice and, to anyone that is in a relationship or is close to someone that deals with panic attacks, I tell you this: ask the person what they need. Be prepared. Know in advance what the person's symptoms are, what their ticks are, what they're prone to do during an attack. Also know that their attacks might not follow the past pattern. Be ready to help or, if you are not comfortable doing so, be ready to find someone that is. Listen to the person and take them seriously. Every person is different, every case of anxiety is different, every panic attack is different.
I can't even imagine what this is all like for my partner. Reading his post last week was hard for me, but reassuring too. It really showed me just how understanding and patient he really is. I am grateful to have found someone that tries so hard to understand how my anxiety affects me and how, in turn, it affects him too. Yeah, it's frustrating some times, and overwhelming, and sometimes those emotions come through (for both of us), but that's normal. That's my normal. Our normal.
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| "How did my greatest fears go from heights, bugs and killers in wardrobes to footsteps outside my bedroom door, unexpected calls, talking to people, buying things in stores, failing school, phones and messages, eating in front of people, laughter behind my back ... How did my greatest fear become my own mind?" -k.s.b. |
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