This post isn't going to have pictures. This post is really hard for me to write. It's going to be horribly honest, and it's not going to be fun.
I feel like I've failed.
Until last weekend, my most recent panic attack was on March 8th of this year. However, on Saturday, June 24th, I had another panic attack. That means that I went 108 days without one. All things considered, that sounds awesome and I should be proud of that, and I kind of am - not even two years ago I was dealing with multiple attacks a week, sometimes even multiple a day - but now I feel horribly stuck. Or worse, I feel like I've taken a huge leap backwards despite my many small steps forwards over the past few months.
I started going to counselling in February. Being able to talk to someone about my concerns and to get helpful tips and strategies for managing my anxiety levels has been a-freaking-mazing for me. Obviously, it has been working. I've been feeling more in control, I've been feeling like I can function and not worry about when I might break down in public, not worry about any second feeling like I am going to die, to rip my hair out, to make a freaking show of myself. It's been an absolute blessing and I advocate going to counselling for everyone because there's something freeing in just being able to be fully honest with someone about what's going on in your head. I feel like I have been making HUGE leaps and bounds forwards in my progress, and I've never been more okay with where I'm at. Along side that, I have not been having panic attacks.
Apparently, it makes it quite a bit easier to accept having anxiety when I'm not experiencing the worst symptom of it.
So there's a few layers to this.
First of all, I had this panic attack while my partner and I were camping. This is a big deal for me because camping is my happy place. Camping is where I literally am not stressed about anything at all because it's quiet and the air is fresh and there's a fire and a breeze and sunshine and board games and marshmallows. No one can be anxious when there's marshmallows around, right? Camping basically embodies everything I want for my life, for my well-being, for my future. I look forward to it with all my heart and soul. And now I'm scared of it. I've never had a panic attack camping before. It was my safe space, my way to walk away from my anxiety and leave it in the city. And now it's found me in the place that I never wanted to see it. Now I am anxious even thinking about it. Now I know it can get me out there, too. And that really sucks (understatement). Honestly, it breaks my heart. I felt like camping was the one thing I had left to myself without that bloody voice in my head trying to ruin everything. And now it's there. And I don't know how to shut it up.
Secondly, I had this panic attack in the middle of the night. I was literally sleeping. I woke up, and I was mid-attack. This is new, too. Never happened like that before. I woke up absolutely terrified, I had no clue what was going on or where I was - I was cold, scared, shaking, hyperventilating, pulling at my skin and hair, and I had no bearings to my surroundings. I came down from it because I literally panic-rocked myself back to sleep as my partner tried to comfort me. That is an experience I would really like to never go through again.
The third and final thing here is that I have NO IDEA what caused it. Usually, I can pick out what my trigger was, even if it's a new trigger that's never set me off before. Usually there's SOMETHING that HAPPENS before I have an attack. This time, there was nothing I can think of - it literally came out of nowhere. Yes, this can be a common thing for people with anxiety - attacks don't always need triggers. Some people don't have triggers at all, it's all random. However, most of the time I can tell what set me off. That lets me prepare if I'm ever in the same situation, it helps me to avoid certain things, to know what might set me off so I can be ready. If there's no trigger, then I have no way to be ready to bring myself down. It opens up a whole new can of worms for me - I can have an attack LITERALLY ANYWHERE for LITERALLY NO REASON. Which puts me on edge ALL THE TIME.
I have no happy ending to this today. I have no good advice. I have no fun/happy/thought-provoking quote to wrap this up.
All I have is anxiety.
And anxiety sucks.
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