Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires!

So. You read my blog, you're opening up to the idea of mental illness and how it affects people. Great! That's an awesome first step. But now you're wondering "What else can I do to help?" 

"How can I help?"

This is an issue that I think about a lot. Words are powerful, they're a tool that can be used to help, to harm, to heal. Every time we speak or write, we have power. We have a voice. You want to know how you can use your voice to help?

Here are some tips from me, a person with anxiety, about how you might consider helping and accepting your friends and family members that struggle with anxiety or other mental illnesses and disorders:

1. Never discredit their feelings.

Helpful Advice
"I get that you have food poisoning and all, but you at least have to make an effort."
"You just need to change your frame of mind. You'll feel better."
"Have you tried... you know... not having the flu?"
"I don't think it's healthy that you have to take medication every day just to feel normal.
Don't you worry that it's changing you from who you really are?"
"It's like you're not even trying."
"Well, lying in bed obviously isn't helping you. You need to try something new."

"It's all in your head" can be one of the most harmful things you can say. Why? Because it's a mental illness. Yes, obviously it's in my head, thanks, but you know what? It's still 1000000% real, and telling me that it's all in my head just makes me question the validity of my existence, feelings, emotions, etc.

Mental illnesses, however, are not limited to the effects that they have on the mind. We, as a society, are starting to realize this - it has become common knowledge that ulcers can be caused by stress, etc. - but it's so much more than that. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes all I can do is sleep. My neck aches. I break out. PMS is worsened. Your body is extremely connected to your mind (obviously) and if your brain is sick, your body will likely show signs. The extent of this is unknown, but it's been observed and researched, and so the "it's all in your head argument" is bull.

What I feel is real. Whether I'm able to 'cover it up' or not doesn't change the effect that it has on me. Every day, any little thing could set me off, and it's unpredictable even though there are patterns. "Everyone gets anxious sometimes!" doesn't help either. YES I know that everyone gets anxious sometimes - but I have anxiety and there is a difference. Understanding this difference is a huge step towards ending the stigma associated with mental illness. Just because sometimes you feel anxious about something but then you managed to get over it does not mean that it is that easy for everyone. The first part of being a good support for someone struggling with mental illness, in my opinion, would be to never make light of their experiences.

2. Don't tell them to change how they think.

"you need to be positive. you need to choose to be happy. you need to try harder to stop being sad. you need to eat well, do yoga, sleep more, and try new things. you need to try harder."
"YOU need to stop saying stuff like that because recovery is a process." - Beth Evans

I have about 20 pictures like this saved to my phone because I relate so heavily every time I come across them, so I picked my favorite four for you. I have been told, I have read, I have heard other people say all kinds of crap like this. Another example is that picture that goes around every now and again of a forest with the caption "this is an antidepressant" and actual anti-depressant meds with the caption "this is bullshit." 

*MENTAL ILLNESS TREATMENT IDEAS*******
Lots of water!! Bubble Bath! MANICURE!!! Take day off!"
"Wow cool I'm cured." - Hannah Hillam

This is really similar to my last point, but I felt that it was different enough to warrant it's own point. The issue with this, as good as your intentions might be when you're telling a friend or loved one with mental illness to "try harder to be happy" or to "change their outlook," is that we are trying. Some of us have been trying for years. Some of us are new to the whole trying thing, but it's been a struggle so far anyways. Telling someone with anxiety or other mental illnesses to just 'try harder' can be so defeating - trust me, I am so aware of all the effort I have put in to my recovery and I'm fully aware of everything that hasn't worked and how many times I have 'failed'. I am aware that my thought processes are different. And more than anything, I really wish it was as easy as flipping a switch. Saying this kind of thing can be super harmful to a person's well-being. Hearing such comments have sent me in to a panic attack in the past. While these tips may work for people who experience anxious moments, or temporary low (depressed) states, I can guarantee that they're not helpful for people who have mental disorders.

"I'm sad"
"well don't be sad then! happiness is a choice!"
"WOWEE you were right! look at me I'M NOT SAD ANYMORE AND I NEVER WILL BE EVER AGAIN."
*glares* - Beth Evans

The other side of this point is that it is okay to not be okay. We have this idea that we always need to be content and 'okay' in order to have a happy life. This can actually cause more anxiety for people like me. It's okay to need meds. It's okay to need counselling. It's okay to cry. It's okay to have a mental illness. Telling people to just work more at being happy can take away self-worth and validation from a person who desperately needs it.

"I haven't been feeling so good lately - "
"EAT KALE. DO YOGA. RUN 3 MILES EVERY MORNING"
"Please go away you are scaring me-"
"PUNCH THE SUN"
 - Sarah Anderson

3. Believe what they say and what they need.

I mentioned this in my last post. When someone is telling you that they're dealing with mental health issues and they need you to do something for them, believe them. Listen to what they say they need. Help them if you can, or be ready to find someone that is willing to help. Don't act based on that viral image you saw a few days ago that tells you to hug someone and hum to them if they're having a panic attack (just don't ever assume that it's okay to touch someone unless they consent to it). Every person is different, every mental illness is different, everyone's experiences are different, and everyone has different techniques that work. Also remember that just because one technique worked to help last time, it might not work again this time. Don't assume that your experiences with mental health and mental illness are universal. Listen to them. Hear what they say. Read between the lines if you have to, but do this with discretion.

4. Be there for them. Be patient.

"so do you wanna go with us?"
"sure! that sounds gr-"
(Anxiety) "HEY! we are probably just going to
change our mind at the last
second and then get mad about
changing our mind so
put us down as a 'maybe'." - Beth Evans

My anxiety is exhausting. My mind is running a thousand different thoughts at any given second, and most of them are self-deprecating. Some of them are really weird, scary, stressful, annoying, and the like. My anxiety is exhausting for the people around me, too, I'm sure. It doesn't always let me do the things that I want to do with the people I care about. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to constantly have someone cancel plans with you last minute - and yet I'm guilty of doing it. But I get it, I would stop inviting me places too.

But here's my point: I appreciate those who are patient with me more than you could ever know. People who say "let me know if you need anything" and mean it. That would be there for you at the drop of a hat, even if they aren't sure what to do. Who invite me a thousand times even though I only show up a fraction of the time. Who never seem to get annoyed at me for the way that I am.

If you want to help, try so hard to be that person. No, you're right, it's not for everyone, and sometimes mental illness comes between relationships because of this. It's hard to be that patient. It's hard to be that understanding. But the effort is phenomenally appreciated by me, at least.

5. Watch your words.

Mental disorders are not adjectives.
"My mom yelled at me yesterday! She's so bipolar!"
"You almost gave me a panic attack!"
"You look so anorexic!"
"My OCD is coming out again!"
"I stayed up until 1 am, my insomnia is SO BAD!"
"I swear I'm like retarded!"
"Oh yeah, yesterday I was feeling really depressed."
"Quit being psycho!"

This brings me back to one of my original points - language is powerful. And it can be so harmful when used carelessly. Again, phrases like this can invalidate the experiences of people who actually do deal with mental health issues. Why is that a problem? See #1.

In fact, I heard two examples of talk like this today, even. "I almost had a panic attack!" and "bipolar, like, she was certified crazy." You know what I hear when people say stuff like this? "I genuinely don't value individuals with mental health issues. They are less to me than other people that I interact with. I am insensitive towards the struggles of the people around me." And, as someone with a mental health issue, I find this highly offensive. Yes, I understand that your intentions were maybe not to harm. But you don't get to decide that your words don't hurt someone. (I heard a quote once, unfortunately I don't remember where, that essentially said 'it's okay to be ignorant right up until you learn that you're ignorant. After that, you have to change, because you're not ignorant anymore, you're just an asshole.') 

Words have power. Language is a tool. Tools can be used as weapons. Choose your words carefully, as it shows that you care about those around you. And remember:

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." - Thumper