Making Friends With Anxiety

"I like you,"
'What? Really?'
"Yeah!"
(Wedding)
'You sure you like me?'
"I do."
(With baby)
'So you won't change your mind?'
"Nah."
(Elderly couple)
'You don't think I'm weird?'
"Nope."
(Ghosts)
'So you definitely like me.'
"YES."

                                                                                        - Sarah Anderson (Sarah's Scribbles Comics)

I have come to learn that anxiety is weird when it comes to making friends or forming relationships of any kind.

Note: This blog post is not intended as a guilt trip for anyone in my life, so please don't take it that way.

1. It makes it hard to trust anyone. At all. Ever. Which means that making connections isn't an easy feat.
2. Once a relationship has been forged, it makes it difficult to believe anyone's sincerity.
3. It makes you automatically feel this weird little bond with other people with anxiety because you believe that they, at least partially, have an understanding of how hard it can be to connect with people.

To my first point, I find that it's so hard to open up to people for a few reasons. How will they react if I have a panic attack? How will they react if they find out that I have anxiety? Will they treat me differently once they know? Will they think of me as being less than them? Will they treat me as though I am less capable, like I'm fragile, like I'm a ticking time bomb? The social stigmas surrounding anxiety and other mental health conditions are still super present and lots of people stereotype or judge or attempt to limit others (sometimes without even realizing it - remember people, language is a powerful tool that can easily and unintentionally be misused. Intentions aside, damage can still be done, and it can be permanent).

My second point is that I have a very hard time believing that anyone would actually want to spend time with me. My anxiety often makes me think that I'm an awful/ boring/ clingy/ desperate/ obnoxious/ rude/ needy person that everyone just pities and dreads spending time with. And I mean everyone. I feel this way about my partner of 4 and a half years. My best friend of 8 years. All of my close friends. Sometimes even my parents. And even my cat. I kid you not, I genuinely fear that my cat finds me obnoxious and clingy.

"At least your pets love you. Not."

I struggle to reach out to anyone, because I fear that they'll find me so obnoxious and desperate if I keep trying to make contact. For this reason, I often spend time just at home, scared to send a text message, wondering why no one is messaging me. I often feel like everyone in my life is just tolerating me. Maybe they only spend time with me because they really like spending time with my partner. Maybe they just don't know how to tell me that they don't want to spend time with me. Maybe that's why they never call or text or invite me anywhere. Because I'm annoying and whiny and I suck the fun out of everything. No matter how much time I spend with someone, I still fear that they don't actually like me. I pick apart my conversations with my friends and loved ones and try to figure out what I said wrong and try to come up with a million different reasons that I give them to walk away. All of this adds up to one thing: I am very hard on the people I love. I have this weird mix of needing so much from people at certain times and then wanting/asking for nothing the next day. I know that this is not the best way to forge relationships. I'm aware that it's draining on everyone around me. I think about it all the time. I am trying so hard to work on it.

My third point is kind of a bright side with this whole thing. A silver lining. Lots of my very close friends also experience anxiety, to varying degrees. We have this sort of understanding of the way we are and the way that we need to do things sometimes. Maybe it's just me that sees it, but I've noticed it a bit - I'm drawn to others that understand through experience. There's comfort in knowing that there is little to no judgement between you.

Another kind of upside to this whole thing is that I think my anxiety makes me a pretty good friend to have sometimes. I will stay up for hours listening to my friends when they need me. I will do anything for the people that I love. Once I make a strong relationship, I'm not apt to jeopardize it (unless I don't realize that what I'm doing is harmful - that happens too sometimes). I'm a pretty loyal person.

"I've spent most of my life and most
of my friendships holding my breath
and hoping that when people get
close enough they won't leave,
and fearing that it's a matter of time
before they figure me out and go."
                                                                                             - Shauna Niequist