The Careful Cultivation of Coping Mechanisms

"I only do things two ways.
This way: "eh who needs to plan it's probably fine"
And this way: "I will schedule everything to the last possible second and if
ANYTHING does not go according to plan I will cry"

- Beth Evans

I see coping mechanisms as being a double-edged sword. For me, they are both extremely positive and quite negative, which is a weird way to think of them, but oh well. 

On the positive side, my coping mechanisms can help me to function better on a regular daily basis. Always having background noise (radio, tv, etc.) helps me stay out of my head - which keeps my anxiety at bay - and focus on the task in front of me. Staying active helps me sleep and gives me more energy, which helps me stay calm and in control. Eating health(ier - I'm all about balance and indulging sometimes too) helps with the energy levels and keeps me from focuses on my body-image related anxiety. These coping strategies are positive overall because I don't see them as being too time consuming, they don't take a lot of effort overall on my part, and they largely work to quell the amount of anxiety that I deal with daily. 

However, they have negative sides to them as well. I have a fair amount of anxiety related to my weight, body image and health. This means that skipping a workout or having a bad day in terms of eating means that my anxiety is immediately higher. I have a sense of self-inflicted guilt and shame, and I believe that any anxiety I'm experiencing is my own fault. Always having background noise means that it can sometimes be hard for me to ever be in a quiet space. It weirds me out and makes me jumpy. Further, my senses are usually very aware of everything going on around me, and it can be overwhelming for me if there are too many noises and I can't think at all, which makes me feel like I've lost control. In this way, even my positive coping mechanisms have some dark sides to them.

"Anxiety Portraits" - Kathrin Honesta

Then I have some coping mechanisms that are probably really not good for me at all; namely my proficiency for over-planning every damn detail of my life. I consider it a coping mechanism because it effectively does the same thing as everything else that I consider a coping mechanism: it limits the potential for my anxiety to mess up my day-to-day life. However, my obsession with planning has become just that: an obsession. Some days it's totally fine - a normal routine day where nothing out of the ordinary is set to happen so I just go about my business and nothing really needs to be planned. Other days it's consuming.

I will not go anywhere new without checking google maps first - a few times. Then I will still use my GPS to get there. I will leave extra early just in case a road is closed or there is traffic because lord knows I can't handle being late. I do not like going somewhere if I don't know exactly who is going to be there. Surprises are not my thing. I need to know what I'm going to be doing or where I will be going for lunch at least a day in advance. I check reviews of restaurants that I've never been to to check on the atmosphere and prepare for too much noise (see above for the reason why). I don't deviate from my route home unless I've already planned on it earlier in the day - this includes stopping to get gas if I need it. And further, I don't like going to gas stations that I've never been to before. Last minute "plans" aren't plans to me. I usually have my life planned out a week or two in advance. I know what I am going to wear tomorrow already. I know who I am going to see tomorrow. I know what I am going to work on tomorrow. I know what I am going to eat tomorrow. I know where I am going and when and how I am going to get there and how long it should take and one alternative route just in case. 

I know where I want my life to go. I have a one-year plan, a three-year plan, a five-year plan, a ten-year plan, and a long-term plan. More than just day-dreaming about it, I have a plan, I know the steps that I will need to take to achieve them. I think about them all the time. I'm constantly 'living in the future.' My brain is running two tracks constantly: what is happening now, and what will be happening later/tomorrow/next week/etc.

It's exhausting. But it helps me feel in control of my anxiety. It helps me avoid situations that catch me off guard. But sometimes it also makes it worse, I think - if things don't go according to my plan then I can lose it. The smallest thing can set me off - like my laptop not working when I was planning on working on homework. Or forgetting to take chicken out of the freezer when I was planning on making BBQ chicken salad. Or when I'm planning on getting gas but the prices hike and I have to decide if I'm going to wait or just suck it up. It all just puts me in a crappy situation where I'm more prone to a panic attack. 

It's a coping mechanism that damn near makes me need a coping mechanism to deal with it.

I'm trying to work on cognitive diffusion techniques that make those anxious moments that go against my plans have no power over my day. I have a lot more work to do there still.

"I will breathe.
I will think of solutions.
I will not let
my worry control me.
I will not let my
stress level break me.
I will simply breathe.
And it will be okay.
Because I don't quit."

-Shayne McClendon