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| "Why am I having trouble sleeping?" - "Anxiety." "Why does my stomach always hurt?" - "Anxiety." "Why does my chest feel tight?" - "Anxiety." "What could it BE??" "IT IS ANXIETY"
- Sarah Andersen
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A very fun (~*sarcasm*~) side effect of my anxiety is that I sometimes have panic attacks.
According to me, a panic attack is what happens when I no longer feel in control of a situation, or when something entirely unexpected happens, which causes my anxiety to overwhelm me to the point of being to consumed with my thoughts that I cannot breathe.
My panic attacks are characterized by hyperventilation, shaking, crying, and mild to moderate trichtillomania. (Trichtillomania is the impulsive action of pulling out one's hair.) When I am having a panic attack, I do everything I can to ground myself back in to my physical body and pull myself out of my anxious mind. For me, this often manifests in the need to pull my hair out. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it bothers me. Yes, I hate that this is how it happens. But it does help me regain my grip on certain situations and regulate my breathing and come down from my panic attacks.
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| "I can't breath I need to get out of here! This will pass! What is wrong with me? Am I having a heart attack? I can't control my mind Am I dying? I think I'm going to faint! Why can't I calm down?
During an attack I begin to feel lightheaded, my arms and legs go tingly and I think I might faint.
My thoughts race and my head starts spinning. I feel the world rushing at me and fading away at
the same time. I can't seem to get enough air and feel like my heart might pound out of my chest. I
often think I might be dying or having a heart attack.
Attacks can arise without warning. The worst part is the feeling that you are no longer in control
of your mind or body. Now that. That is fear.
When it happens, I can't see outside the panic and the panic seems to last for an eternity. But
then slowly, very slowly, everything recedes and I'm left dreading the next attack."
- Carly Dick
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I recently found out that my panic attacks can also cause me to dig my fingernails into my hands to the point of breaking skin, so that's new. I'm assuming it's for the same reason - some sort of physical discomfort can drag me out of my head and back in to my body.
For me, I feel like a panic attack is a sign that my anxiety has won. It's a sign that I am not in control of myself and my emotions, and that makes me a failure. Ironically, that causes me anxiety. Further, I fear having a panic attack in public, and I fear what people would think of me if I did, which puts me even more on edge if I start to feel overwhelmed in a public setting.
It's a vicious cycle.
Obviously, my panic attacks are not actually a sign of weakness or failure. They're the manifestation of a response that my brain has adapted to "protect" me in situations that are "dangerous." Unfortunately, my brain and I disagree on what situations are dangerous, and what kind of responses are actually helpful in such a situation.
So I'm trying to learn to train my brain in to realizing which situation are actually worth getting all worked up over, and which ones aren't. So far, we continue to disagree most of the time. But I feel like I'm getting somewhere, and that's comforting at least. It gives me enough motivation to keep trying.
As long as I keep trying, then there is no failure.
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"I lied and said I was busy.
I was busy;
but not in a way most people understand.
I was busy taking deeper breaths.
I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.
I was busy calming a racing heart.
I was busy telling myself that I am okay.
Sometimes this is my busy -
and I will not apologize for it."
- b.oakman; Anxiety Doesn't Knock First
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