{GUEST POST} Winning the Battle

Today's post is written by my dad, who also struggles with anxiety. It's another perspective on what anxiety is like, how it can affect you, and his experiences on the roller-coaster of learning how to cope with it all.

Anxiety. I have it, I hate it, but I am winning the battle.

"You look kind of depressed, Charlie Brown"
'I worry about school a lot...
I also worry about my worrying so much about school...
My anxieties have anxieties" - Charles M. Schulz

I have it. It starts with a flush feeling. I start to feel warm all over. Next comes the elevated heart rate.

The feeling that my heart is out of control and is going explode. Then the panic attack. The certainty that there is something extremely wrong with me, life threateningly wrong with me. I am certain that I am about to die and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I hate it. I hate what it does to me. It makes me feel helpless to control my own thoughts; my own body. Even once I realized it was just a panic attack, I could not get myself to believe that I was going to be okay. I knew it, but I couldn’t overcome it. I hate what it does to my family. The strain it puts on
relationships with the people I love, the people that care for me. They all want to help, they want to
know what to do, but I can’t tell them because I don’t know what will help. I feel like I am letting them all down. I am the husband, the dad. I am supposed to be the one to protect them, to fix their problems. I am not supposed to need their help. I hate that it makes me moody, the highs and the lows. It makes me hard to get to know. I can’t or don’t want to try to explain what anxiety is so I keep people on the outside. It’s easier that way. I hate the feeling that I am the carrier, the one that gave it to my daughter.

I am winning the battle. I have been fortunate enough to find things that work for me. It’s not a magic
pill or a sure-fire cure, it’s a combination of things.

First, it’s the love of my family and friends. People willing to stand by me through thick and thin, to give me their undying love and not give up on me. Without that, I would have given in to it. I would have given up. I truly wonder if I would still be here today.

Then there is acupuncture, it changed my life. I remember driving into the city with my wife and
daughter to go for an acupuncture appointment for an unrelated issue. On the drive in I had an attack;
and I knew I was done, this would be the last time I would make this drive as I was going to be dead
soon. I happened to mention it to my acupuncturist while I was there and she said, “why didn’t you tell me you had anxiety?” She gave me a few needles and before she put the last one in to the fleshy part between my thumb and pointer finger she warned me that I would feel a shock. The needle went in and a spark of electricity shot up my arm, through my neck and to the top of my brain. I knew right there that I was changed. I left the office and met my wife and daughter an I told them something has
changed.

Then there are the meds. It took a while to find the right one. Some made me feel disconnected,
unattached to my own body. Some made me tired all the time, all I wanted to do was sleep. Some had
side effects and addictions that were worse then the anxiety. But I finally found one that I take in a very small dose everyday that doesn’t give me any of those feelings and I feel its working. I often think that I don’t need it anymore, but I haven’t had a full-fledged panic attack in 14 years so why would I risk stopping something that is working.

"Awards:
"really tried even though you're convinced that everyone thinks you didn't"
"dealt with miserable feelings and made it through another day which is awesome and amazing"
"being you, which is really great!"
-Beth Evans

If you have anxiety, you need to keep trying to find what works for you. Don’t give up. If you try
something and it isn’t right for you, try something else. Try a combination. Therapy, meds, acupuncture, exercise, homeopathic, there are may alternatives. This one I can’t stress enough, TALK about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not all in your head. It’s an ILLNESS, a chemical imbalance. You can’t cure it by wishing it away or thinking happy thoughts. You need to get professional help and understanding. When people offer help, accept it. I know its hard, but you must keep trying. You are loved, you are strong and you are worthy. You can learn to control it, you can beat it. There is hope and light on the other side.

I am worthy.

(The following is a poem that I wrote after my counselling appointment last week. I haven't written poetry in years so please bear with me as I try to remember how words work and how to let them flow.)

"Bear with me"

I am worthy.

Even if I fail
Even if I let you down
Even if I let myself down
I am worthy.

Even if I question every move
Even if I question the face I see in the mirror
Or the way I look in my own head
Even if I can't stand it
I am worthy.

Even if I'm not where I want to be
Or where I thought I would be
Even if I'm not who I want to be
Or who I think I should be
Or who you think I should be
I am worthy.

Even if I can't even start to understand that this whole idea
of self compassion
and self care
and self acceptance
Is more than just an idea
I am worthy.

Even if the little voice in my head
tells me a million times a day
that
I.
am.
not.
good.
enough.
I am worthy.

Even if I don't believe it
I am worthy.

I am worthy of love
I am worthy of beauty
I am worthy of respect
I am worthy of strength
I am worthy of compassion
I am worthy of power
I am worthy of laughter
I am worthy of effort
I am worthy of time
I am worthy of energy

I am worthy
of finding all of this
Inside of myself.

I do not need the voices of others
to make me believe that
I am worthy.

Because
eventually
I will believe it myself.

I am worthy.

OK let's be real here, anxiety freaking sucks

Jeez guys, things are tough for me these days.

Anxie-Trees
Weeping Willow, Quaking Aspen,
Worried Sequoia ("is my trunk too big? why's everyone staring at me? is my bark too thick?),
Sweaty Palms, Queasy Sapling (ugh.),
this bonsai may appear outwardly calm, but inside it's screaming."
                                                                                                                        - Gemma Correll

Ever since my panic attack a few weeks ago (see last post for more details), I feel like I've been spiraling - grasping at thin little straws to stay afloat in this awful sea of paranoia and fear. I went camping again, and I was scared of everything the whole damn time. I was scared of sleeping. Scared of walking to the washroom by myself. Scared of just... being there and letting my guard down. In a place that used to be so calm and peaceful and free of anxiety. Every time I think about it now, I just want to cry.

And it's gone beyond just camping. Now that I've had a panic attack again, I'm constantly aware of when the next one might be - even more so than before. I'm back to being scared of the phone, of crowds, of going to the grocery store, of leaving the house alone outside of my normal routine. I've begun to physically shut down, too. I don't want to go for my walks every day, and I have to fight myself so damn hard to do my workouts. It feels like all of the work that I have been doing in the past few months, including writing this blog, has turned on me - all of the things that I've been enjoying have now become sources of anxiety for me and I have no idea how to handle this because I feel like I've been robbed and I feel like I can't have anything for myself anymore because anxiety will take it away.

And then I hear my counsellor's voice in my head.

"But what if that's not the case? What if that's not what it means?"

Yeah but.... what if it is? But, then again, what if she's right... what if it isn't?

I really struggle with thinking like this. I tend to be horribly fatalistic - for me, either everything went according to plan and it was a success, or something went wrong and everything was a complete failure. Middle ground is hard for me to see. It's a very defeatist mindset, and I know this. I live in a world of 'What Ifs,' and they always seem to take one perspective over the other. 

But what if that's exactly it? What if, after all this freaking out about this panic attack, I have to realize that... this is what progress looks & feels like?

I have had a few friends reach out to me after my last post to suggest exactly this. At first, I was quick to shrug the idea off - if this is what progress looked like, then maybe I don't want progress, maybe I want to stay numb and constantly slightly panicky. But I've had some time to think about it, and I think I can start to believe that they're right. Maybe I have to make myself believe that they're right, that my counsellor is right, that my anxiety is wrong - because otherwise I might give up.

"Surprise! It's a panic attack!
'Aw.'
'Hey.' (recent failures)"
 - Beth Evans

Really, whether this is progress or not, I have to keep moving forward. I have to try. It might be harder to get out of bed these days, but I'm still getting up. I'm winning my battles every day, even if the fight is harder. The reality is that, even if I find myself at a point where I haven't had a panic attack in years, I might have one again, and that maybe doesn't have to mean that I failed. All it means is that I had a panic attack. It doesn't have to be a reflection on me, if I don't let it. I'm not sure I know how to do that yet, but I'm going to try. I'm going to always keep trying.

Affirmation: I will find joy again in the things that I love. The things that I love will love me again.

"Note to self: I don't have
to take this day all at
once, but rather, one
step, one breath, one
moment at a time.
I am only one person.
Things will get done
when they get done."
                                                  - Unknown

                                           

Dealing (Or Not) With Setbacks

This post isn't going to have pictures. This post is really hard for me to write. It's going to be horribly honest, and it's not going to be fun.

I feel like I've failed.

Until last weekend, my most recent panic attack was on March 8th of this year. However, on Saturday, June 24th, I had another panic attack. That means that I went 108 days without one. All things considered, that sounds awesome and I should be proud of that, and I kind of am - not even two years ago I was dealing with multiple attacks a week, sometimes even multiple a day - but now I feel horribly stuck. Or worse, I feel like I've taken a huge leap backwards despite my many small steps forwards over the past few months.

I started going to counselling in February. Being able to talk to someone about my concerns and to get helpful tips and strategies for managing my anxiety levels has been a-freaking-mazing for me. Obviously, it has been working. I've been feeling more in control, I've been feeling like I can function and not worry about when I might break down in public, not worry about any second feeling like I am going to die, to rip my hair out, to make a freaking show of myself. It's been an absolute blessing and I advocate going to counselling for everyone because there's something freeing in just being able to be fully honest with someone about what's going on in your head. I feel like I have been making HUGE leaps and bounds forwards in my progress, and I've never been more okay with where I'm at. Along side that, I have not been having panic attacks.

Apparently, it makes it quite a bit easier to accept having anxiety when I'm not experiencing the worst symptom of it.

So there's a few layers to this.

First of all, I had this panic attack while my partner and I were camping. This is a big deal for me because camping is my happy place. Camping is where I literally am not stressed about anything at all because it's quiet and the air is fresh and there's a fire and a breeze and sunshine and board games and marshmallows. No one can be anxious when there's marshmallows around, right? Camping basically embodies everything I want for my life, for my well-being, for my future. I look forward to it with all my heart and soul. And now I'm scared of it. I've never had a panic attack camping before. It was my safe space, my way to walk away from my anxiety and leave it in the city. And now it's found me in the place that I never wanted to see it. Now I am anxious even thinking about it. Now I know it can get me out there, too. And that really sucks (understatement). Honestly, it breaks my heart. I felt like camping was the one thing I had left to myself without that bloody voice in my head trying to ruin everything. And now it's there. And I don't know how to shut it up.

Secondly, I had this panic attack in the middle of the night. I was literally sleeping. I woke up, and I was mid-attack. This is new, too. Never happened like that before. I woke up absolutely terrified, I had no clue what was going on or where I was - I was cold, scared, shaking, hyperventilating, pulling at my skin and hair, and I had no bearings to my surroundings. I came down from it because I literally panic-rocked myself back to sleep as my partner tried to comfort me. That is an experience I would really like to never go through again.

The third and final thing here is that I have NO IDEA what caused it. Usually, I can pick out what my trigger was, even if it's a new trigger that's never set me off before. Usually there's SOMETHING that HAPPENS before I have an attack. This time, there was nothing I can think of - it literally came out of nowhere. Yes, this can be a common thing for people with anxiety - attacks don't always need triggers. Some people don't have triggers at all, it's all random. However, most of the time I can tell what set me off. That lets me prepare if I'm ever in the same situation, it helps me to avoid certain things, to know what might set me off so I can be ready. If there's no trigger, then I have no way to be ready to bring myself down. It opens up a whole new can of worms for me - I can have an attack LITERALLY ANYWHERE for LITERALLY NO REASON. Which puts me on edge ALL THE TIME.

I have no happy ending to this today. I have no good advice. I have no fun/happy/thought-provoking quote to wrap this up.

All I have is anxiety.

And anxiety sucks.