Traffic Jams and Backup Plans

It's time to talk triggers again.

I have developed so many different coping mechanisms for so many different triggers that I face on a daily basis. I've even found an effective one to deal with my dumb fear of ringing phones (my work phone has a semi-mute option that essentially just quietly beeps at me instead of screaming at the very fibers of my soul). However, I still struggle to find an effective way to handle the immense amounts of stress and anxiety that I feel every time I get behind the wheel of a car in this city.

Who knows where it comes from. Doesn't really matter, since it's a thing - ever since I moved to a big city, I have become increasingly more anxious about driving or being driven around by other people. Highway driving is different - there's so much more space. There's just so many people and so many cars in the city, you can't get away from them. They're everywhere.

When I was in driver's ed, my instructor uttered one phrase that has stuck with me in probably a much more negative way than he ever intended it to: "Drive like everyone else on the road is trying to die." 

Yeah.

So I think I was supposed to interpret that as "drive with caution and assume that the people around you will try things that aren't so smart, and that could put you and them at risk." Instead, I took it as "you have the potential to kill everyone around you right now, and they have the ability to do the same to you. At any and all times as you are in a motor vehicle, so many horrible things could happen. You are driving a weapon. You are surrounded by weapons. That person could have just driven off this bridge. This person could cut you off right now and throw you in to oncoming traffic. That semi truck might flip any second now. Think of the damage, think of their families,think of your family, think of the mess, think think think THINK about the fact that so many horrible things might happen right now." So that's a pretty heavy set of thoughts to have on your mind every time that you're driving, no?

"I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios
in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason."

It probably doesn't help that I've been witness to a handful of car accidents since I moved here. The sound that cars make when they crunch together.... I don't think I will ever get it out of my head. Every time I hear it, it gets louder and louder.

But this is all beside the point here: I still don't know how to cope with this manifestation of my anxiety. I'm essentially slowly becoming numb to it, and that scares me. I can drive familiar routes no problem (usually), as long as the weather is fine and I know all of my backup plans in case of an accident or heavy traffic. Driving to and from work is usually okay. Driving anywhere that I've been multiple times is mostly okay, as long as I do everything I need to do in advance (check maps, check alternative routes, check for accidents, repeat). Driving in new places to new places from new places freaks me the hell out. I can't really seem to figure it out. I just get progressively more anxious until I'm on a familiar road again. I have pulled off my route to find a parking lot in which I can have a panic attack. More than once. Yesterday, actually.

However, I still drive all the time, and I'm good. I'm good as long as I'm driving. When something happens on the road, I'm almost creepily calm. I see an accident, and I feel nothing while I'm still driving - it only hits me once I've parked. It's robotic. If I feel myself coming close to having a panic attack, I am able to very rationally find a safe space that is out of the way before anything happens. I take the time to make sure that others are okay before I see if I'm okay. I am anxious, yet I am level-headed. My body knows how to drive - my brain just gets weird. It seems as though my practicality takes over when I'm operating a vehicle. I guess I can credit that to my parents - they taught me well. Maybe ironically, I consider myself to be a very competent driver.

I just need to get away from all the cars.

I need more space.

"Listen to me, your body is not
a temple. Temples can be destroyed
and desecrated. Your body is
a forest - thick canopies of maple
trees and sweet scented wildflowers
sprouting in the underwood.
You will grow back, over and over,
no matter how badly you are
devastated."
                                                        - Beau Taplin

Would The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up

(Last week, Bell Let's Talk shared my blog on their twitter page! So shout out to all the people who are reading now because of that. It's pretty neat that more people are seeing this now. Cheers, enjoy)

One of the things I struggle with the most is that I don't know if I can distinguish between me and my anxiety. By this, I mean that I am unsure of which of my personality characteristics are mine and mine alone, and which have only developed because of my anxiety. Further, which parts of me maybe played a role in the development of my anxiety. Essentially, I don't really know who I am or why I am who I am - in fact, I've not got a clue.

"Me on the outside: *calm*
Me on the inside: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHAAAHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHAA" - Beth Evans

Ok, let me try and explain.

I'm a very binary thinker. To me, all things need to fit in to a category. They are either part of Category A, or Category B, etc. Very similar to my proficiency for over-planning things, I have a knack for over-organization. It's a very black and white way to look at the world - I'm not very good at seeing the shades of grey. Within this, and considering the fact that I spend so much time inside of my own head, I try and classify the different parts of me into arbitrary binary categories: ME and THE ANXIETY. 

This leads me down little tirades of trying to determine which parts of me are anxiety-produced and which are genuine traits that I have had my whole life. Do I only plan things because of my anxiety, or is that just a me thing? Is my creativity rooted in the anxiety or is that something that I am able to claim as my own? Do I have a tendency to worry, or is that just my anxiety? Did I worry this much before I got anxiety? When is 'before'? Was there a before?

Artist Unknown

There's so many aspects to this that I'm actually struggling to figure out how to write about it.

On one hand (this person is going to have many hands, so be prepared), I am trying to control the symptoms of my anxiety, but I don't know what all they are and how they affect me all the time and how controlling them will change who I am and that scares me. It's also very hard to control something that you don't understand.

On another hand, I have this weird sense of self-confidence lately and I'm proud of the effort that I put in to myself, and I don't know if working to accept my anxiety will change that, nor do I know if controlling my anxiety more will slowly eliminate parts of me that I have grown quite fond of.

On a third hand, I genuinely have anxiety about whether or not I have anxiety - essentially I convince myself that I'm just making it all up and everyone else has the same issues as me and that I'm 'normal' and so I don't really have any personality traits that are shaped by anxiety because I'm making it up. Maybe everyone is this way and trying to 'fix' it all is just futile and a waste of time because this is the best that it gets. This thought makes me especially sad on my worst days.

On a fourth hand that is closely related to the third hand, I don't know if I know what 'normal' is, or if I'll like it, so the idea of taking certain aspects of myself away, or trying to change and reshape them is a bit nerve-wracking. What if the only neat parts of me are a side effect of this shitty little voice in my head and I'll just be completely vanilla otherwise? Is that bad? Is it good?

What it really all comes down to is this: I am who I am, and part of that is that I have anxiety. I will always have anxiety, but I will also get better at controlling the symptoms and not letting them control me. There is no way to distinguish between me and the anxiety because we are one and the same. Really, I guess I know who I am. I just struggle with who I am. Part of accepting anxiety is accepting myself. Accepting that this is a part of me, and I can choose to grow the parts that I like and work at accepting the parts that I can't.

"I am good for a while
I'll talk more, laugh more
Sleep and eat normally
But then something happens
Like a switch turns off somewhere
And all I am left with is the darkness of my mind
But each time it seems like I sink
Deeper and deeper
And I am scared...
Terrified that one day I won't make it back up
I feel like I am gasping for air
Screaming for help
But everyone just looks at me
With confused faces
Wondering what I am struggling over
When they're all doing just fine
And it makes me feel crazy

What the hell is wrong with me?"
                                              -m.h

Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires!

So. You read my blog, you're opening up to the idea of mental illness and how it affects people. Great! That's an awesome first step. But now you're wondering "What else can I do to help?" 

"How can I help?"

This is an issue that I think about a lot. Words are powerful, they're a tool that can be used to help, to harm, to heal. Every time we speak or write, we have power. We have a voice. You want to know how you can use your voice to help?

Here are some tips from me, a person with anxiety, about how you might consider helping and accepting your friends and family members that struggle with anxiety or other mental illnesses and disorders:

1. Never discredit their feelings.

Helpful Advice
"I get that you have food poisoning and all, but you at least have to make an effort."
"You just need to change your frame of mind. You'll feel better."
"Have you tried... you know... not having the flu?"
"I don't think it's healthy that you have to take medication every day just to feel normal.
Don't you worry that it's changing you from who you really are?"
"It's like you're not even trying."
"Well, lying in bed obviously isn't helping you. You need to try something new."

"It's all in your head" can be one of the most harmful things you can say. Why? Because it's a mental illness. Yes, obviously it's in my head, thanks, but you know what? It's still 1000000% real, and telling me that it's all in my head just makes me question the validity of my existence, feelings, emotions, etc.

Mental illnesses, however, are not limited to the effects that they have on the mind. We, as a society, are starting to realize this - it has become common knowledge that ulcers can be caused by stress, etc. - but it's so much more than that. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes all I can do is sleep. My neck aches. I break out. PMS is worsened. Your body is extremely connected to your mind (obviously) and if your brain is sick, your body will likely show signs. The extent of this is unknown, but it's been observed and researched, and so the "it's all in your head argument" is bull.

What I feel is real. Whether I'm able to 'cover it up' or not doesn't change the effect that it has on me. Every day, any little thing could set me off, and it's unpredictable even though there are patterns. "Everyone gets anxious sometimes!" doesn't help either. YES I know that everyone gets anxious sometimes - but I have anxiety and there is a difference. Understanding this difference is a huge step towards ending the stigma associated with mental illness. Just because sometimes you feel anxious about something but then you managed to get over it does not mean that it is that easy for everyone. The first part of being a good support for someone struggling with mental illness, in my opinion, would be to never make light of their experiences.

2. Don't tell them to change how they think.

"you need to be positive. you need to choose to be happy. you need to try harder to stop being sad. you need to eat well, do yoga, sleep more, and try new things. you need to try harder."
"YOU need to stop saying stuff like that because recovery is a process." - Beth Evans

I have about 20 pictures like this saved to my phone because I relate so heavily every time I come across them, so I picked my favorite four for you. I have been told, I have read, I have heard other people say all kinds of crap like this. Another example is that picture that goes around every now and again of a forest with the caption "this is an antidepressant" and actual anti-depressant meds with the caption "this is bullshit." 

*MENTAL ILLNESS TREATMENT IDEAS*******
Lots of water!! Bubble Bath! MANICURE!!! Take day off!"
"Wow cool I'm cured." - Hannah Hillam

This is really similar to my last point, but I felt that it was different enough to warrant it's own point. The issue with this, as good as your intentions might be when you're telling a friend or loved one with mental illness to "try harder to be happy" or to "change their outlook," is that we are trying. Some of us have been trying for years. Some of us are new to the whole trying thing, but it's been a struggle so far anyways. Telling someone with anxiety or other mental illnesses to just 'try harder' can be so defeating - trust me, I am so aware of all the effort I have put in to my recovery and I'm fully aware of everything that hasn't worked and how many times I have 'failed'. I am aware that my thought processes are different. And more than anything, I really wish it was as easy as flipping a switch. Saying this kind of thing can be super harmful to a person's well-being. Hearing such comments have sent me in to a panic attack in the past. While these tips may work for people who experience anxious moments, or temporary low (depressed) states, I can guarantee that they're not helpful for people who have mental disorders.

"I'm sad"
"well don't be sad then! happiness is a choice!"
"WOWEE you were right! look at me I'M NOT SAD ANYMORE AND I NEVER WILL BE EVER AGAIN."
*glares* - Beth Evans

The other side of this point is that it is okay to not be okay. We have this idea that we always need to be content and 'okay' in order to have a happy life. This can actually cause more anxiety for people like me. It's okay to need meds. It's okay to need counselling. It's okay to cry. It's okay to have a mental illness. Telling people to just work more at being happy can take away self-worth and validation from a person who desperately needs it.

"I haven't been feeling so good lately - "
"EAT KALE. DO YOGA. RUN 3 MILES EVERY MORNING"
"Please go away you are scaring me-"
"PUNCH THE SUN"
 - Sarah Anderson

3. Believe what they say and what they need.

I mentioned this in my last post. When someone is telling you that they're dealing with mental health issues and they need you to do something for them, believe them. Listen to what they say they need. Help them if you can, or be ready to find someone that is willing to help. Don't act based on that viral image you saw a few days ago that tells you to hug someone and hum to them if they're having a panic attack (just don't ever assume that it's okay to touch someone unless they consent to it). Every person is different, every mental illness is different, everyone's experiences are different, and everyone has different techniques that work. Also remember that just because one technique worked to help last time, it might not work again this time. Don't assume that your experiences with mental health and mental illness are universal. Listen to them. Hear what they say. Read between the lines if you have to, but do this with discretion.

4. Be there for them. Be patient.

"so do you wanna go with us?"
"sure! that sounds gr-"
(Anxiety) "HEY! we are probably just going to
change our mind at the last
second and then get mad about
changing our mind so
put us down as a 'maybe'." - Beth Evans

My anxiety is exhausting. My mind is running a thousand different thoughts at any given second, and most of them are self-deprecating. Some of them are really weird, scary, stressful, annoying, and the like. My anxiety is exhausting for the people around me, too, I'm sure. It doesn't always let me do the things that I want to do with the people I care about. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to constantly have someone cancel plans with you last minute - and yet I'm guilty of doing it. But I get it, I would stop inviting me places too.

But here's my point: I appreciate those who are patient with me more than you could ever know. People who say "let me know if you need anything" and mean it. That would be there for you at the drop of a hat, even if they aren't sure what to do. Who invite me a thousand times even though I only show up a fraction of the time. Who never seem to get annoyed at me for the way that I am.

If you want to help, try so hard to be that person. No, you're right, it's not for everyone, and sometimes mental illness comes between relationships because of this. It's hard to be that patient. It's hard to be that understanding. But the effort is phenomenally appreciated by me, at least.

5. Watch your words.

Mental disorders are not adjectives.
"My mom yelled at me yesterday! She's so bipolar!"
"You almost gave me a panic attack!"
"You look so anorexic!"
"My OCD is coming out again!"
"I stayed up until 1 am, my insomnia is SO BAD!"
"I swear I'm like retarded!"
"Oh yeah, yesterday I was feeling really depressed."
"Quit being psycho!"

This brings me back to one of my original points - language is powerful. And it can be so harmful when used carelessly. Again, phrases like this can invalidate the experiences of people who actually do deal with mental health issues. Why is that a problem? See #1.

In fact, I heard two examples of talk like this today, even. "I almost had a panic attack!" and "bipolar, like, she was certified crazy." You know what I hear when people say stuff like this? "I genuinely don't value individuals with mental health issues. They are less to me than other people that I interact with. I am insensitive towards the struggles of the people around me." And, as someone with a mental health issue, I find this highly offensive. Yes, I understand that your intentions were maybe not to harm. But you don't get to decide that your words don't hurt someone. (I heard a quote once, unfortunately I don't remember where, that essentially said 'it's okay to be ignorant right up until you learn that you're ignorant. After that, you have to change, because you're not ignorant anymore, you're just an asshole.') 

Words have power. Language is a tool. Tools can be used as weapons. Choose your words carefully, as it shows that you care about those around you. And remember:

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." - Thumper

The Broken Third Wheel

This is a response to last week's post, which was written by my partner of 4 and a half years on what it's like to date me, a person with anxiety. Feel free to go back and check it out if you want the perspective from that side, too.

So, you meet your person. They're everything you have ever wanted in a partner and then some. You give them your time, your effort, your love. You move in together, travel the world, get a cat, grow up and grow closer. You learn their quirks, their habits, their favorite kind of cheese. You learn about their hobbies, their aspirations, their fears, their dreams. You're head over heels, you're fully invested, you've done the whole commitment thing. You're sure about how you feel. But for some reason you can never fully accept that they feel the same way. 

Anxiety gets in the way of all aspects of my life. It's not selective, it doesn't care how much joy it tries to steal from me, it doesn't take requests or pleads to just back the hell off for a bit. So yes, anxiety gets in the way of my relationship. Often. And at a few different levels.

Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. "Hey."
It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. "you look ridiculous in that."
It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. "why are you even at this party?"
The only one you can hear. "nobody wants you here."
It keeps you from doing the things you want to. "Are you going out?" 'Yeah.' "Why? You're so embarrassing."
And points out all of your faults. "why do you even try?"
The worst part is knowing that the voice is probably lying, "Remember that stupid thing you did?"
but you can't stop listening. "So does everybody else."

First of all, my anxiety doesn't like to let me do lots of fun things. We will plan to go on super fun dates, and I'll be so excited to go, and then as the date draws near, I'll back out. Just the other day, we were going to go indoor mini golfing. Somewhere we had never been before. I checked it out on google maps, knew how to get there, decided to read some reviews. "Can be crowded." "Lots of young kids." "Fun for families." "Black light course has great designs." "Long wait times at peak hours." I read: lots of people, lots of kids, parents, no one your age, you might not even get in, you'll have to have a backup plan, the lights might give you a headache, you probably won't even have fun, your partner definitely won't have fun, you're going to get outplayed but a bunch of kids, blah blah blah. I backed out. We went for dinner instead. The number of times that this has happened to me is ridiculous. And every time it happens, I feel miserable because I let my partner down again, I backed out on another idea that's different from what we always do. Now our relationship is boring and it's my fault and he'd be happier if he was with someone more interesting and he probably knows that, too. My partner reassures me all the time that that's not the case.

Which brings me to my next point. I've mentioned before that I struggle to accept that anyone would actually want to spend any time with me, and that my anxiety likes to tell me that everyone in my life is just lying to me about liking me. This is true for people that say they love me as well. My anxiety likes to try and convince me that my partner is just too damn nice to break up with me, and he's only with me because of that, or because of the cat, or the condo, or because he knows that a breakup would break me or some crap.  Now see, I KNOW that this isn't the case. There's a difference between what I KNOW and what I seem to be able to believe. The little anxiety voice just plants a seed of doubt in my mind and takes immense pleasure in watching it grow. Some days I think the seed has withered and died, and I feel firm and confident in where I stand with my partner, but other days the damn thing spreads like a weed and takes over my mind and all I can do is convince myself that it's over. Panic attacks about cancelling plans. Anxiety rushes about going out for dinner to a place that we've been a dozen times before. All I want to do is stay home in my PJs and watch Supernatural and force my kitty to snuggle with me.

                                                                                                          Artist unknown

The other side of this, of course, is that I trust my partner around me when I am having an anxiety/panic attack, which is huge. He knows what to do, he knows what works to help me. He does not blame me. He does not underestimate the severity. He does not question the reasons behind the attack. He simply does what I need him to do. This is a skill that takes practice and, to anyone that is in a relationship or is close to someone that deals with panic attacks, I tell you this: ask the person what they need. Be prepared. Know in advance what the person's symptoms are, what their ticks are, what they're prone to do during an attack. Also know that their attacks might not follow the past pattern. Be ready to help or, if you are not comfortable doing so, be ready to find someone that is. Listen to the person and take them seriously. Every person is different, every case of anxiety is different, every panic attack is different.

I can't even imagine what this is all like for my partner. Reading his post last week was hard for me, but reassuring too. It really showed me just how understanding and patient he really is. I am grateful to have found someone that tries so hard to understand how my anxiety affects me and how, in turn, it affects him too. Yeah, it's frustrating some times, and overwhelming, and sometimes those emotions come through (for both of us), but that's normal. That's my normal. Our normal.

"How did my greatest fears go from
heights, bugs and killers in wardrobes

to footsteps outside my bedroom door,
unexpected calls,
talking to people,
buying things in stores,
failing school,
phones and messages,
eating in front of people,
laughter behind my back
...
How did my greatest fear become
my own mind?"
-k.s.b.  

Living With (Someone With) Anxiety ~GUEST POST~

Today's post is a post written by my partner of 4 and a half years. He's wonderfully tolerant and supportive of me and my ventures, including this blog, so he actually managed to get swindled in to writing one for me. Below is what he wrote when I asked him to talk about "what it means/what it's like to be dating someone with anxiety." Next week, I'll share my perspective.

"Today is the worst. Just awful. Everything is ruined. I am the embodiment of sadness."
"Nevermind." - Catana Comics 

I’m not sure where to start with this, but here goes.

There was a time when I thought I understood anxiety. I thought it was when people worried about things that were uncertain to them, or perhaps it was that added edge you get when you are scared or just not looking forward to something. If someone told that version of me that they had anxiety, in the back of my head I would think to myself “No kidding, everyone does at some point”. What I have learned is that my definition of anxiety was reflective of a temporary emotion; something that comes and goes at times of stress, yet had no authority over your actions. Needless to say, I was woefully incorrect.

I absolutely do not proclaim to know any significant amount about anxiety, but I would like to share a perspective from some of my own experiences that may help others learn as I do every day.

I have learned that days for my partner are not either “good” or “bad” in terms of anxiety, but rather they can be anything in between the continuum of both. Knowing this helps me understand why her attitude or feelings may change throughout the day, and allows me to be adaptable to support her. Being adaptable is really key for me, actually. Sometimes we cancel things we have planned because the thought of doing them has begun to make her anxious. On the other hand, we often plan things weeks in advance so that she can have control over what’s going to happen. This isn’t always easy, especially for someone like me that is pretty bad at planning things. It can also be frustrating when we end up canceling plans we’ve made. I’m starting to learn, however, that when we communicate well together, we rarely run into problems and can support each other fully in whatever it is we are doing. Again, ironically, I used to be a terrible communicator. I am by no means great at it now, but it is so much easier to understand (at a basic level) what her triggers may be and what I can do to lessen their likelihood, just by talking about it.

Choose your own adventure! Do you want to...
Go to the park? -> figure out clothes/imagine possible disasters -> Worry about people-> curl up in a pathetic lump and cry
Do the recycling? -> look at insurmountable heap of recyclables -> curl up in a pathetic lump and cry
Curl up in a pathetic lump and cry? -> go to couch -> -> curl up in a pathetic lump and cry
Go to the movies? -> think about calling a friend/look at bank account -> what movie?/What friend? -> curl up in a pathetic lump and cry

Most of the time, neither of us have the answers as to what might make her feel better or what I can do to help, which often makes me feel powerless (as I imagine she does as well). But just because there isn’t an easy solution to something, it does not mean that it doesn’t exist, so we keep trying, together.

"You are strong for getting
out of bed in the morning
when it feels like hell. You
are brave for doing things
even though they scare
you or make you anxious.
And you are amazing for
trying and holding on no
matter how hard life gets."